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Ode to the brain damaged squirrel

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Squirrels are nuts! Both figuratively and literally.

In the fall, I wrote about the bumper crop of acorns we saw in Missouri. This spring, as the snow finally gives way, many can still be found in the grass, flower beds and mulched areas.

Squirrels are becoming more active and they are scurrying about in their manic ways. Do they feast on the easy pickings? Acorns are everywhere, whole and shiny and rolling down the driveway. No! They must dig!

I stood at the front window and watched as a squirrel hopped randomly about the yard, digging a small hole at every stop. He was searching for nuts buried in the fall, except THERE ARE ACORNS LAYING IN PLAIN SIGHT! You are hopping over perfectly fine acorns trying to find one that is buried in the mud!

Are you brain damaged? Is there some squirrel law that says you can only eat nuts in the spring you personally buried in the fall? No, you are just evil. You are on a quest to destroy my lawn. Just as the grass starts to awaken after a long winter’s nap, you are there to tear it out. Perhaps you are thinking long term, “If I destroy all the grass now, in the fall, the acorns will be easier to find and bury.

Whatever your motivation is, I would like to have some vegetation left on the ground. Is that too much to ask you, you tree rat?

You are just lucky there is a law against discharging firearms in the city limits. That and you just don’t do that well on the grill.

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