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NOAH movie an epic #fail

Have you ever spent two hours in a traffic jam, endless seminar, or dealing with tech support on the phone and thought to yourself, "Well, that's two hours of my life I will never get back again"? That's what going to see Darren Aronofsky's "NOAH" movie, which opened in theaters on March 28, 2014, is like. The aspiring-to-be-controversial movie is too dull for controversy and fails on so many levels in spite of stars like Jennifer Connelly, Ray Winstone, Emma Watson, and Russell Crowe.

Slideshow of photos from NOAH World Premieres around the globe
Slideshow of photos from NOAH World Premieres around the globePhoto by Matthew Horwood
Movie poster for the new movie "Noah" starring Russell Crowe
Movie poster for the new movie "Noah" starring Russell CrowePress kit

Rock People

A movie which has major star power and epic end-of-the world destruction is brought down to a 10-year-old boy's level with moronic rock people called "Watchers" which appear in scene after scene and even help Noah build his ark. Failure #1. To add insult to injury, Aronofsky had to conjure up a ludicrous mythology behind the "Watchers" which is failure #2.

What Genre Is It?

If the embarrassing rock people are fit only for 10-year-old boys, much of the rest of the movie is too violent for that age. Adult themes and rock people do not belong in the same film together unless a writer has the talent of J.R.R. Tolkien or C.S. Lewis. Aronofsky does not. Failure #3 would be trying to cram too many opposing elements into one movie and creating a confusing mashup of epic-sci-fi-Bible-juvi-ecco-adventure-fantasy and unintentional comedy farce.

Where's the Beef?

The movie is a preachy film which was failure #4, but not preachy Bible, like one might expect. No, it is preachy environmentalism. Noah is a card-carrying vegan who won't even let his young son pick a flower and who blames the "technology of the cities" (you know, technology like tents, spears and magic fire rocks) for all the evils of the world.

Daddy Dearest

Speaking of children, this Noah won't let his sons have wives, lets a young girl one son is trying to rescue die, and repeatedly threatens to kill his grandchildren so the earth can be "pure." Failure #5.

Who IS this Noah? He certainly isn't the Noah of the Bible, but worse, he isn't a very interesting or likable Noah. Even Russell Crowe could not breathe life into this confused, isolated, alienated, depressed, veggie-eating Noah, which is too bad. Russell Crowe is a fine actor, but even the combined talents of Jennifer Connelly, Ray Winstone, Emma Watson, and Crowe could not bring this uninspiring movie to life. "NOAH" is an epic fail.

If you want to know the real story of Noah and the ark, read Genesis chapters 6 - 9.

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