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Next Bachelor: Chris Soules leaves his farm and hoes to find a girl

This photo was probably taken in front of a green screen to avoiding flying to Iowa.
This photo was probably taken in front of a green screen to avoiding flying to Iowa.
Photo Courtesy of THE INTERNET

Perhaps ABC should have prefaced this announcement of the new bachelor as “the most secret and anticlimactic in Bachelor history.” Uncharacteristically, ABC has nonchalantly revealed that Chris Soules, the Iowan farmer from Andi’s season, will be next season’s bachelor.

I imagine ABC’s analysts were hard at work, watching the polls and deciding if Chris had enough Fan Factor. (I made up that term, but it reminds me of Fear Factor, which reminds me that if that show survived, any show can make it.) After weeks of dedicated work and crunching numbers, the analysts realized Chris was their only real option. Can you name any other guy from Andi’s season that wasn’t annoying or despised by fans? Exactly. So Chris it is!

As a quick refresher, Chris is our endearing farmer from Iowa (Iowa is the state by Nebraska which is located near Kansas, which is right by Colorado). By the way, if you Google “Iowa,” there are many websites and images that communicate that Iowa is not Idaho. America!

Chris loves Forbes magazine as well as “farming magazines.” My confusion can be broken down into two questions: (1) What does a farming magazine entail? (2) “Magazines” implies plurality, in that there is more than one type of farming magazine. How?

Perhaps Chris’s avid farm-related reading will prove to be advantageous for his time on The Bachelor. I’m sure there are articles that cover both spheres of farming and life on The Bachelor, such as “How to Deal With Dirty Hoes” and “Environmentally-Friendly Fertilizing.”

In his ABC bio, Chris mentions that his biggest date fear is “accidental diarrhea,” which is hilarious. However, it could also be argued that anyone who said that their biggest date fear is “purposeful diarrhea” is someone to be wary of. Or definitely someone to put on reality television.

The season will air January 2015. If Chris can find a girl who is willing to move to Iowa (not to be confused with Idaho), then I’d consider her a keeper!