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News you can depend on

Chris Matthews prepares to wet his pants interviewing Obama.
Chris Matthews prepares to wet his pants interviewing Obama.
Photo by Ron Sachs-Pool/Getty Images

Do you like your news served with a left leaning bias that won’t upset your world view? Do you like to be reminded how smart you are for following the herd. Do you enjoy reports on income inequity presented by a heir to the Vanderbilt fortune? How about a lecture on the unfairness of white privilege in America from a white, Jewish 26 year old son of a famous actress and actor/director. You have not one, but two choices to deliver your news either CNN or MSNBC.

Ted Turner’s network CNN the first 24 hours news program has been around awhile. In the 90’s the state department coined the term the “CNN effect” regarding their coverage and it is rumored Saddam Hussein supplemented his military reports by watching CNN. Today we have Anderson Cooper, son of Gloria Vanderbilt reporting on his 85 year old mom’s oral sex, poop jokes and hard hitting questions like will pee freeze during a polar vortex. The international Cable News network can also read your news with an authoritative British accent for the snob in everyone. Piers Morgan may not be welcome in England after phone hacking and using Photoshop to prove his point about the “Bad” British military, but he is as welcome here at CNN. All our hosts will help you maintain your composure as the reality of hope and change gets you down. Just the way CNN’s Candy Crowley saved Obama during the second debate and Alex Castellanus on air compared Obama’s SOTU speech to sex. We may not always get it right like the Boston bomber arrest days before it happened or getting the Supreme Court Obamacare ruling backwards, but our coverage will never question your faith in big government to solve the world’s ills. In fact according to Amber Lyon, one of our former reporters CNN has the best coverage our government can buy. (News?)

If CNN isn’t leaning left enough for you the “Lean Forward” network of MSNBC could be your home for news. Formed as an alliance between Microsoft and NBC it is almost guaranteed to make you feel at home. With hosts Chris Matthews’s leg tingling every time he sees Obama to Keith Oberman donating the legal maximum to several Democratic candidates you can be certain they agree with you. Why the hosts even support the stereotypes of conservatives as stupid racists, while the liberals are saviors of society. Martin Bashir pulled no punches when he called Governor Palin an idiot a dunce and declared someone should shit in her mouth. Melissa Harris Perry showed her commitment to abortion by wearing tampons for earrings, and proving Republicans are racists by making fun of Romney’s black grandson.(not to be confused with MSNBC producers tweet about conservatives will be outraged at bi-racial families) If these examples aren’t enough MSNBC has the support of the New York Times. Just see the glowing piece about our newest celebrity news reader. (NYT )Though still eligible for his father Woody Allen’s (Maybe)and mom Mia Farrow’s health insurance at 26 under childrens provisions of Obamacare he will join our other experts at reading the news to you. Experts like Alec Baldwin, Twana Brawly’s Al Sharpton, and boy meets girl Rachel Maddow. If you have any doubts about MSNBC look at our reporting, two weeks before the 2012 election 68% of our reporting was negative towards Romney and 51% positive towards Obama per the Pew research center. (PEW)

Who wants to turn on the news and find yourself questioning the wisdom of much less the work to vote for Obama multiple times in 2008 and 2012? Are you tired of explaining “no someone didn’t vandalize my car I put the Obama sticker there myself”. Does it give you pangs of guilt that your whole hearted support of Obamacare was wasted? Then pick your poison, CNN or MSNBC, for news you can depend on. You can depend on our correspondents keeping the hope and change alive. You can be assured any scrap of good news no matter how small will be reported that confirms your choice of Obama as president. Just knowing that these reporters coordinate with the Whitehouse will give you the insiders track to the real news. These stations have everything you could want or need to assure your guilt of voting for a president that has kept us in a recession for his entire term. Well everything except any ratings or viewer trust. (Trust)