A few resolutions for the upcoming year, many that you can start right now:
1. Always have a designated driver.
2. The designated driver doesn’t drink less alcohol than everyone else in your party, he drinks no alcohol at all.
3. For every drink, have a full (at least 8 oz.) glass of water.
4. Do not ever, under any circumstances, take Tylenol or any acetaminophen-containing medication before, during, or immediately after a night of drinking. I know a lovely man who is a transplant coordinator and can likely find you a new liver, but you really don’t want to meet him under those circumstances.
5. Drink real drinks, like your parents and grandparents did. Try an old-fashioned, a gin & tonic, or some other drink that tastes like alcohol rather than artificial whipped cream, fake toasted marshmallows, or some other cloyingly sweet dessert. We’re fat enough without blending pie into our booze, so don’t add any more sugar to your day. In addition, when you drink “grown up drinks” you channel your inner Mad Men, and look more sophisticated and suave than you ever will swilling a chocolate martini.
6. If you’re out of college, but still acting like you’re an undergrad (you know who you are), stop. If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. That is likely any or all of the following: violently ill, a hangover, dumped, arrested, laughed at (either in person or on YouTube).