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New Year's Eve quotes, jokes and Facebook status updates for a Happy New Year

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Ring in the New Year with funny quotes, jokes and Facebook status updates. While you wait for the 2014 Times Square Ball to drop, share a little holiday spirit with your friends, relatives and co-workers online or the old-fashioned way, in person.

If you're heading to a New Year's Eve party, break the ice with some great one-liners and humorous jokes.

Staying in? Don't forget to add a little holiday cheer on Facebook and Twitter with one of the funny quotes below.

If you get tired of hearing about all the resolutions your friends probably won't keep, change things up and get the party started with some of the funny quotes and jokes below.

Watch 2014 Times Square Ball drop live streaming online, iPhone app, ABC

Funny 2013 New Year's Eve Quotes and Jokes

Jokes

  • On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
  • A friend asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking." The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one." "What's phase one? asked his friend. "I've quit buying."
  • A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
  • This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Year's Day."

New Years Eve song lyrics: Ring in 2014 with Auld Lang Syne

Quotes and Funny One-Liners:

  • New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno
  • Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughn
  • Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey
  • When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. - Unknown
  • Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain
  • You know its time for a New Year's Resolution to lose weight when you step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please!" - Unknown
  • God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. - Unknown
  • People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. - Unknown
  • Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. - Oscar Wilde
  • An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Billy Vaughn
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