This was supposed to be the year the game changed.
The year that Super Bowl advertisers got rid of computer-animated animal jokes, frat-boy humor and the 25-seconds-of-buildup-leading-to-a-lame-3-second-one-liner formula.
The year that they were going to desert 30-second quickies for the longer commercial formats of the early 1970s, so they'd have more time for real storytelling and substance.
After all, didn't NBC's Seth Winter tell Advertising Age that this was the year for 60-second buys to make "the art form of storytelling take on a greater role in the Super Bowl"? And didn't Audi of America's chief marketing officer, Scott Keogh, aver that people need more substance to choose high-ticket products like cars that "aren't viewed as trivial"?
So how'd that work out?
Well, in case you had to run to the bathroom or the fridge -- or in case you found yourself drowning in this virtual sea of meaningful profundity -- here are the deeply substantive messages this year's Super Bowl commercial storytelling conveyed:
Acura: Our new NSX is so cool, Jerry Seinfeld will pull all sorts of crazy stunts to bribe his way to getting the first one.
Anheuser-Busch InBev: America celebrates its great moments of national success and achievement by drinking Budweiser. (Given America's past three years, this may explain why Coors has bumped Bud as the category leader.)
Audi: Our LED headlights are bright enough to kill vampires. (That's showin' 'em, Keogh!)
Best Buy: Different innovators made smart phones do more. We created a new way to buy them (like maybe stiffing customers' orders at the last minute).
Bridgestone (2 commercials): If you covered footballs and basketballs with our rubber and treads, they'd perform like our tires.
Budweiser Light Platinum (2 commercials): 1. It's made by robots. 2. People drink it after work.
Bud Light (2 commercials): 1. Rescue dogs can be trained to fetch bottles and kegs of it. 2. The band LMFAO doesn't know where the hell they're going, and you can download a remix during the halftime show.
Cadillac: Renting the Nurburgring for the day and showing our ATS prototype motoring along it will fool you into thinking it's some kind of sports car.
Camaro: Sure beats a refrigerator!
Career Builder: If working with monkeys makes you lose sleep, call us.
Cars.com: Checking our site before buying a car will make a singing mini-me grow out of your neck and give you the confidence to buy a car without even bargaining.
Century 21: One of our agents can outbargain Donald Trump, out-bling Deion Sanders and outskate Apolo Ohno.
Chevrolet Sonic: Professional stunt drivers can perform stunts with it. Who'd've guessed?
Chrysler: Take it from Clint Eastwood: The "comeback" of Detroit -- which is still hemorrhaging jobs, dollars and population -- and Chrysler, whose latest accomplishment was making $1.3 billion in taxpayer money disappear, combine to make a great role model for "America at halftime."
Chevrolet Silverado pickup: When the Mayan end-of-the-world predicition comes true, only two manufactured products will survive: Silverados and Twinkies.
Coca-Cola: Drinking it makes computer-generated polar bears happy.
Danon: Eating Oikos Greek yogurt makes you want to head-butt your boyfriend.
Doritos: Anyone would do anything to get them.
E-Trade: New fathers should take their talking babies' advice.
Fiat (in the US, a Chrysler brand): Beta males will confuse our new Abarth with a sexy, seductive woman.
GE (2 commercials): 1. We hire people. 2. The turbines we make generate electricity for brewing Budweiser.
GoDaddy (2 commercials): 1. We can now register your domain with the cool new .co extension. 2. Couch-surfing losers have dreams about our spokesbimbos. (We won't say what kind of dreams, but you can guess.)
H&M: Our $14.95 undershorts look so good on David Beckham's heavily tatooed body that all you women out there who wear men's undershorts will want to buy a pair or two.
History Channel: Watch our new series about professional alligator hunters.
Honda: Remember "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"?
Hyundai (2 commercials): 1. Our Veloster Turbo does CPR. 2. Boy, does our regular Veloster infuriate cheetahs.
Kia: Our car is in your best dreams.
Lexus: Here's what our new GS looks like.
M&Ms: Brown M&Ms look naked but they aren't. (As if you cared.)
Met Life: Look, everyone, we've licensed more cartoon characters!
NFL: Since 1906 we've been developing safety equipment, so never mind those pesky "concussion-related dementia and brain injury" lawsuits.
Pepsi: Singing "Respect" like "XFactor" winner Melanie Amaro overthrows evil tyrant Elton John, who's hoarding all the Pepsis.
Samsung: Our new Galaxy Note lets you write on the screen, which, of course, is good reason for a massive street party to break out.
Skechers: Our sneakers let a bulldog outrun greyhounds.
TaxACT: Using our software to file your federal income tax return for free gives you the same glorious feeling of total freedom as peeing in a swimming pool.
Teleflora: Women are easy if you give them our flowers.
Toyota: The reinvented Camry is like pizza curtains, a DMV with miniature golf and free ice cream, and rain that makes you lose weight. Or something.
Volkswagen: You should buy a Beetle because dogs will get in shape to chase it. Oh, and don't insult Darth Vader to his face.
Pepsi Max: For the umpteenth commercial execution, yet another Coke deliveryman gets caught buying a Pepsi product.
Four local Richmond commercials, including one new one
Four Richmond advertisers dominated the local station breaks. Their spots were standard-length :30s, and two of them were pretty straightforward.
One of the Pence dealerships kept repeating a price-point spot. Joel Bieber came on with a low-key standup to support UNOS. Comcast had a Super Bowl extravanganza which said that installing their cable would help your house win a drag race.
And Sheltering Arms rehab hospital had a spot they claimed to have created for the Super Bowl. The audio comprises testimonials purportedly from real patients (who somehow just happen to have the same meliflouous voices and studio deliveries as everyday staff announcers). In the video, the words from the audio form a word cloud which, a pullback reveals -- surprise, surprise -- the shape of the hospital's tree icon, which no doubt made the client love it.
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