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New on DVD, a review of the absolutely HORRIBLE 'Couples Retreat'

(Zero Stars)

This is how you'll look watching 'Couples Retreat.'  It doesn't deserve a promotional poster.
This is how you'll look watching 'Couples Retreat.' It doesn't deserve a promotional poster.
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Ugh.  "Unfunny" is the highest compliment that this horrible film gets.  It's such an awful thing to happen to America that people are debating whether Couples Retreat should be tried in a civilian court or a military tribunal.  You would think with such a great cast with such funny people, there would be at least a few laughs at the most, right?  Wrong.  Vince Vaughn hasn't been this unfunny since he played Norman Bates in the Psycho remake.

Here are the positives of the movie:  1)  Cynthia, played by Kristen Bell, is very pleasant to look at.  2)  While the movie is playing, you can do a lot of productive things like check your e-mail and update your Twitter.  3)  There are worse things that can happen to you in this world, like contracting the swine flu or throwing an interception at the Super Bowl.

You might think that this is an exaggeration, but no hyperbole can do this movie's awfulness justice.  This movie will contain such cliche jokes as the daughter whose outfit is too short, so the father gives her a lecture about loving herself and having value.

Another cliche is Shane, played by Faizon Love, telling Dave (Vince Vaughn) that he doesn't understand something because Dave is white.  Oh wow, cliche and easy-to-write racial humor.  Very original. 

Here's another.  Shane's girlfriend Trudy, played by Kali Hawk, is a younger girl and makes fun of Hispanics in a heavy ghetto dialect which offends Cynthia who randomly announces that she is 1/12 Latina.  In this scene, Cynthia, who is as white as snow, randomly speaks in a Spanish accent.  Hilarious, right?!  White people can't speak in a Spanish dialect!!!  That's so funny!!!!!

Sigh.

Not only do individual jokes fail; ongoing jokes fail as well.  Jason, played by Jason Bateman, shows his friends Powerpoint presentations of hilarious things such as testicular cancer which isn't funny the first time so the movie decides to pile on the ongoing joke about 10 times until the viewer starts hating the world.

For anybody that cares about the plot, all the couples go to this retreat and they all have marriage counseling and work on their marriages.  Yawn.  Time to see if Facebook has any new notifications.  Who cares about these people?  It's like the screenplay writers decided to open up Screenplay Writing for Dummies and pick out every cliche in the book.  Terrible jokes.  Terrible, predictable, awful plot.  Stupid obvious humor.  Oh, and there's a scene where everybody has to unclothe to discover their bodies.  Yep, visual humor, because Donald Faizon is fat.  You're supposed to laugh at him.

For anybody wondering what happens at these counseling meetings, they all discover they have problems with their relationships.  If you've seen any movies or television shows in your entire life, you can probably map out everything else that happens in this movie without ever having to watch it. 

Even if you like a couple of jokes, the tone of this movie is too dry, and not ingenious British humor dry either; it's just boringly dry.  It's dry humor without the humor.  So dry that you want to just take a bottle of lotion and toss it at the television screen.

This movie is about 1 hour and 45 minutes.  That is so unnecessary.

There is no easy way to segue into this.  Couples Retreat is available to rent at your local Blockbuster now. 

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