Skip to main content
  1. AXS Entertainment
  2. Arts & Entertainment
  3. Arts & Exhibits

Necromantic psychology: the zombie master's basic tool kit

The resurrected bodies of the dead naturally have a hunger for living flesh. What they don’t naturally have is the inclination to go after it. Without the control of the zombie master the necrotic corpse will simply stand in place, drooling and shedding rotting flesh on the floor. Indeed, without the influence of the zombie master, the zombies would never crawl out of their graves in the first place.

Let’s get one thing straight: Necromantic Psychology has more to do with the mind of the zombie master than of the zombies themselves, which have no minds.

So, where does an aspiring zombie master start?

The first thing the red-eyed ingénue needs to ascertain is what her army of reanimated corpses is going to accomplish for her. The usual agenda is annihilation of all human life on the planet, which the zombie master will then presumably be free to rule and roam at will.

This objective requires only several items in her arsenal.

Basic Tools for the Aspiring Zombie Master:

  1. Unquenchable hatred for humanity/desire for domination over all life (this is a given).
  2. Supply of corpses. Obtainable at local cemeteries (or do-it-yourself, in which case you’ll need a few more tools).
  3. Reanimation spell. Don't look in Harry Potter for this one! Check out the dusty upper shelves of old hole-in-the-wall bookstores like Red Letter on Pearl St. Even the Bookworm has a gem or two in their occult section. Looking on-line? Be careful, a lot of information out there is false, or worse - faulty (your reanimated corpses won’t be any good if they don’t have super-strength).
  4. Necromantic slavery spell and skill. The true test of a zombie master comes at this point. Anyone with a little pluck and verve can find a spell and raise the dead. Only someone with true talent can actually coerce an undead army to do her will instead of just standing there. For the right person, it will be easy. For the wrong one, it will be impossible
  5. Air fresheners.

The truly ambitious necromantic psychologist will have a great deal more in their arsenal, and may not even need to start with a pre-killed population of corpses, but for the basic beginner the above is a great place to start. Good luck!
 

Comments

Advertisement

Today's top buzz...

  • Jack White
    Reddit users have fun photoshopping an angry Jack White at a Cubs game
    Music Buzz
  • Kliff Kingsbury
    Kliff Kingsbury reads a series of flattering tweets praising his good looks
    Video
    Today's Buzz
  • Jamaal Charles
    Kansas City Chiefs make Jamaal Charles the second highest paid running back in NFL
    NFL Buzz
  • Slash
    Slash and The Conspirators crush it at Hard Rock, AP Awards
    Camera
    20 Photos
  • Monks of Mellonwah
    Exclusive interview: Monks of Mellonwah talk music, touring and more
    Camera
    9 Photos
  • Nikki Bella
    How will fans react if the WWE decides to turn Nikki Bella into a heel?
    Camera
    5 Photos