Never, never pin your whole faith on any human being; not if he is the best and wisest in the whole world. There are lots of nice things you can do with sand; but do not try building a house on it…..C.S. Devotional
When a narcissist discards the person in love with them, they go on their merry way, with no remorse or compassion for the person they shattered. You may wonder why a person would be devastated when the narcissist discards them. Why wouldn’t they be happy to be rid of that type of person? Why does it take them so long to recover?
It is medically proven that the brain neuron pathways of compassion, empathy, love, and conscience are numbed out in the brain of a narcissist. Without these emotions, the narcissist is not human.
Relationships with narcissist take an unusually long time to recover from. The victims get frustrated because they can’t heal quickly and everyone else tells them it is time to move on. They want to move on, but can’t. The statistics show it takes 12 to 24 months to get over a narcissist and may even take longer in some cases.
Why is it so hard to recover when your head knows you were dealing with an emotionally sick person but your heart doesn’t get that message? A relationship with a narcissist will leave you damaged, shattered, and you will feel like you’re losing your mind. Remember, the narcissist does not play fair.
You were in love and probably still are
With a narcissist, the love was smoke and mirrors on his side, but not on yours. You felt it with all your heart and soul; the narcissist makes you believe they will be with you the rest of your life.
You were in desperate love
This is where being in love with a narcissist is different than normal love. The narcissist manufactures desperation and desire. They make you work hard for the relationship. They require energy and thought as how to continually please them. The reward for you is ending up with the most painful experience in your life when they discard you.
They start by putting you on Cloud 9. It is the most wonderful experience of your life. Then they start to use their gas-lighting tricks and manipulation to make sure they are on your mind all the time, every second of every hour. This makes you fall into a state of desperate love.
You feel so intense about them; your feelings are so powerful, that you believe they are the only person that can make you feel that way. When they finally discard you, your world falls apart.
Addicted to gaining the narcissist’s approval
The narcissist knows how to hook their victim because the victim has a conscience and the ability to care. The victim will try to prove over and over to the narcissist that she is trustworthy, decent, that she loves him, and that she does have integrity. However, the narcissist will continue to insist she is bad. The result is the victim becomes severely addicted to the goal of proving her worth to the narcissist in order to gain his approval. It is a soul-destroying trip.
Why do people stay in a relationship like this? It is because the narcissist has trained their victim to accept the assaults he deals out. He uses his victim’s insecurities and unhealed parts, piece by piece to confuse and diminish his victim. By doing this the narcissist can momentarily feel spared from his own internal torture by watching the torture he has put his victim under.
The narcissist has an intense emotional and sensual bond they create with their victim. They have magnetism. They train their victim’s mind to become reliant on their approval.
They start off by adoring their victim; just everything about them is perfect; the victim places her heart, soul, and self-worth in this person’s hands. Because they are masters in the beginning of making their victim feel fantastic in every way imaginable, they know the victim’s brain will respond by producing certain feel good chemicals. The chemicals released in the brain in response to happiness are endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Dopamine targets the reward center. Thus, give the narcissist what they want, and these wonderful chemicals are released. The victim becomes like an addict, dependent on the narcissist to make her feel good in every possible way.
It is impossible for a narcissist to be faithful. They will cheat on you and even brag about your replacement to prove how happy they are now. They carry none of the usual shame and guilt that comes from cheating.
This is so emotionally damaging to the victim after once being the woman they put on the pedestal and lavished on. The victim will wonder if she had done this better or that better would he still be with her. This alone takes much time to heal from.
The narcissist has no real loyalty to others, only to themselves; first and foremost. They will always be moving on to other unsuspecting victims and take what they can get, then discard them too.
You have confronted pure evil
The narcissist is not like anyone else; you can’t even begin to understand how a brain works that is void of emotions. In the victim’s quest to make them happy, they try to be compassionate, forgiving, to stroke their ego, to be beautiful for them, to be interesting for them. They do this because they love them, not knowing they were using these things against them. It doesn’t make sense. The victim is trying to deal with them like a normal human being; but they are not normal, they have no conscience. The narcissist controls people with his tactics, to him humans aren’t humans, they are simply objects for him to suck the energy from.
After much time, the victim finally realizes by giving her soul to the narcissist, she gave it to the devil. If you try to explain how you, a strong, independent, smart woman got so sucked in, so hooked, to your friends and family members, they really can’t get it. They do not understand the brainwashing the narcissist is capable of. That is why it is necessary to go to therapy or find groups with others who have been in love and discarded by a narcissist. Being discarded the way a narcissist does it, is an inhuman and brutal experience.
It takes a great deal of time to heal from this experience. The victim may think they are doing better then a trigger will happen that puts them back into that brainwashed state. The narcissist usually picks victims who have a trusting spirit. Once the narcissist is through with you, you begin to feel paranoid, hyper-vigilant, anxious, and non-trusting. The severity of narcissistic abuse is real and dangerous. When a narcissist causes fear and distress; he feels extremely significant and God-like.
Your damaged soul
After the narcissist abandons their victim, most victims end up feeling empty and depressed. They are broken of spirit and heart. The victim feels numb to everything and everyone. Things that once made them happy now make them sad because they no longer have joy in them, without him. The monster sucked their victim dry. Narcissists simply don’t think hurting others is wrong; to them, it is a means to an end.
The narcissist will say anything that makes the victim sound unworthy of them, they will destroy their victim’s integrity, and this way they have used projection strategy to retain their own false self. The things they say will hurt the victim to the core, and they will never give the victim the chance to defend themselves because then they may not be able to proclaim it was the victims fault. When the narcissist decides the relationship is over, they want their victim to be completely destroyed.
It is a long time to recover from this abuse because the narcissist leaves their victim feeling hopeless. The victim often times wants to die because they have been so brainwashed into believing without the narcissist, there is no reason to live.
To achieve freedom from the narcissist controlling you, even after they discarded you, education on this personality disorder is a must. Resisting the temptation to contact the narcissist is also a must in the victim’s recovery. Once the victim educates herself and has an understanding of why narcissist act the way they do, the victim will then begin to understand why her attempts to receive decent behavior from him won’t work.
Little by little, piece by piece the victim will begin to find themselves again. Eventually, their spirit and spark will return. They will return stronger and with a newfound respect for themselves.
The victim worries about the recovery process taking so long. They have been through hell and back—there is no fast fix for that.
Do not beat yourself up if you loved a Narcissist and still love him. Your love was real, honor that and embrace it. You are a much better person than the narcissist who is unable to love. You are able to love in a deep and honest way. That is a gift the narcissists can’t take away from you or purchase for themselves. The narcissist is incapable of love; they can wine, dine and romance, and then they destroy. They are evil.
The highest insult to the narcissist is for the victim to have a great life without him. Go have a grand life and realize the narcissist you loved is not worthy of you. They are watching, even if they are not talking to you…rise above them…they will suffer if they did not reach their goal of completely destroying you.
If you are a victim and reading this, you are a person of character and intelligence. You are not willing to lie down and die, as the narcissist would like you to. You will not allow what happened to crush you. You have survived and there is great strength in the courage it takes to survive this type of abuse.
You are supported. You will get through this with dignity.