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Do you know someone who is self centered, arrogant or critical? The word narcissist has come into vogue as a way to describe someone we don't get along with. I'm often asked about what it means to be a narcissist so I thought I would answer some questions here.
Q. Do narcissists only love themselves?
A. Narcissists cannot love the way healthy people do. They profess love in order to be loved back. Narcissists are self centered and so they give only with the expectation of getting something in return. In a healthy relationship loving someone is not dependent upon emotional reciprocity. If your child disappoints you, you do not stop loving him, but the narcissist can hold life-long grudges when they feel slighted by another.
When the admiration begins to wane the narcissists "love" for that person stops as well. Narcissists love the reflection of themselves. In other words, they cannot formulate self love based on who they are because inside they feel unlovable, so they project a self inflated image for others to see. They may flaunt intelligence, wealth, popularity etc.. When others buy into that projected image, and begin to reflect it back to the narcissist through admiration, awe, or clinging behavior the narcissist is able to love that reflected image of himself.
Q. Can the narcissist live a normal life?
A. Yes and no - what is normal? Narcissists seek after goals that are perceived as superior. They may believe that a higher education will make them important, or that attending a prestigious university will give them an elevated status. If they haven't the means to reach their lofty goals they may engage in pathological lying to create the image they believe will elevate their status.
The narcissist is the proverbial name dropper. They derive immediate, but fleeting, self worth by associating themselves with others whom they perceive as superior. Although the narcissist easily finds ways to talk about themselves and to flaunt their superior status, they seldom boast about their achievements directly. To maintain an image of super human ability they act as if their accomplishments were easily achieved. They may feel great shame admitting that they had to work hard to accomplish a goal.
Q. How can one recognize a narcissist?
A. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has a pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and lack of sincere empathy. Narcissists believe that the rules don't apply to them that they are above the law. Consequently they often disregard opinions and expectations from authority figures including police, doctors and those who don't agree with them. They may believe that they can safely drive while intoxicated or that they are intelligent enough to get away with a lie.
Narcissists need people in their life to view them as knowledgeable, charismatic and god-like. Consequently they seek romantic relationships with those who are easily swept off their feet in spite of obvious red flags. Once their lovers realize the narcissists true nature the relationship crumbles and the narcissist quickly finds ways to blame their partner for the break up.
Narcissists present a facade of confidence and of being in control when in fact they are covering for deep-seated insecurity and self hatred. Their ego is so under developed that they crave a constant flow of praise and admiration from others. When the narcissists facade is threatened they may go into overdrive attempting to convince others that they are right and that everyone around them is incompetent or vindictive.
Q. Do narcissists believe their lies?
A. Being exposed as a fraud is their worst fear and they may go to extremes to protect their perceived reputation. Some severely ill narcissists would rather kill their loved ones than risk being caught in a lie. They may go to extremes to protect their elaborate web of denial.
The fragile ego of a narcissist compels them to constantly correct those around them, again, in an attempt to elevate them. By correcting grammar, being critical and impressing others with their knowledge they are in essence saying "I know better than you do. You are so inept that you need me to help you live your life the right way." They buy into their own lie but deep inside they feel like a fraud.
Q. How can I help someone who has narcissistic tendencies?
A. Helping a narcissist isn't easy. They see fault in everyone but themselves so pointing out their arrogant and abusive behaviors is likely to fall on deaf ears. NPD is a personality disorder which means that the associated traits have been there most of their life. Because of this they are unlikely to change.
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