Last month, 28 people from all corners of adoption read The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child. They then submitted questions to each other, answered a sampling of those questions, and shared their perspectives on the book. Please see the right sidebar to read these thought-provoking posts, even if you have not read the book.
We are fortunate to have author participation. Nancy Verrier has been answering the questions that were put to her. Here is the seventh in the series.
As a biological mother of two girls, a former OB nurse and lactation consultant, I understand and acknowledge the physical, mental and emotional bond between a mother and her newborn infant. I also agree that popular culture and current medical trends tend to ignore this bond. As a professional where do you think would be the most strategic place to start educating families and medical staff on how to improve and protect the mother-child relationship?
Nancy Verrier: Protecting and honoring the mother/child relationship is difficult to do in a culture where mothers go back to work almost immediately after having given birth. If we acknowledge that babies need their mothers, then we have to also acknowledge that being with someone else is going to be detrimental to the baby. We are not ready to embrace that idea, at least not in this country. There are countries where maternity leave lasts a whole year!
Having said that I do think that hospitals (doctors and nurses) have begun to understand that putting babies in those awful nurseries is probably not the best thing to do if post-natal bonding is to be facilitated. When my grandson was born, he was separated from his mother about 5 minutes while the nurse cleaned him up. (He protested the whole time.) I never heard a peep out of him the rest of the time, when he was with mom. They left the hospital the next day.
As a culture we have to get more in touch with our instincts and stop trying to take short cuts to parenting. If we have to put a child in daycare, then we have to listen to his protests and empathize with him, not tell him some version of “I have to work so we can eat,” or some such thing. Young children don’t care about this. What they know is that they miss mom. Really young children fear that she is gone for good (no sense of time). If we would spend more time empathizing with our children’s feelings instead of discounting them by offering some defense against them, our kids would begin to know that we understand them. Understanding goes a long way…
One of the things I did to help educate ObGyns and pediatricians about adoption is to go to Grand Rounds and talk to them about it. Most of them don’t have any idea there is a difference between adoptive and biological families. They give all kinds of tests for some of the somatic ways in which these kids demonstrate their anxiety and come up with nothing. We adoptive parents can be loving, caring, and nurturing, but to the newborn we don’t pass the sensory test. They are confused and full of anxiety about where mom has gone.
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More Q&A with Nancy Verrier will come shortly. Subscribe so you don't miss a post.
Comments
I have really enjoyed reading Nancy's comments. She has so much experience in the field of adoption.
It's unique and appreciated that she participated in your book tour to such a large degree. Thank you, Nancy!
It's so true. The bonding with kids and empathizing with them is so important. Positive, supportive, loving attention can go a long way! (Mia)
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