Sitting in Chemotherapy yesterday, towards the end, my daughter Maria comments to me that I am beginning to get irritable. WHAT??
Since my diagnosis, I have tried to change my attitude and emotions to reflect that unless it is health related, it doesn't even bother me. I thought I was doing really well keeping positive thoughts and comments front and center, but apparently this is not the case.
A simple statement really upset me - I kept asking her - "am I really?" She had spent 5 days with me during the last cycle of Chemo immediately following and she said for the first few days I was quite grumpy and she saw it coming on rather quickly yesterday. I didn't even realize it
I admit I can't stand going there and walking in that building. It upsets my stomach the minute my foot steps in the front door. I am very anxious and stressed. I always take a sewing craft to keep my head down because I cannot deal with looking at others getting the same treatment as me. I also try to pick a chair in a corner where my view is not other patients. Yesterdays view of the girls shows my choice,
There is such a variety of people there - from elderly to young children. All hooked up to the toxic chemicals, most with no hair, most looking exhausted and worn down. The routine of each treatment is:
- Hook up my port - take blood
- See the Doctor to make sure blood levels are acceptable to receive medications
- Receive 3 different IV Bags of nausea/side effect medicines
- Receive 2 different IV Bags of actual Chemotherapy Medications
Until #4 everything is just like walking into a regular lab, gloves, sanitary precautions. Then comes the actual Chemo Drugs. The nurses dress up in what I call "HAZ MAT" attire - big coverings, special gloves, masks - everything to make sure the drug the are putting into MY body doesn't touch them.
Now I know that these medications are extremely dangerous but it's not very relaxing or comforting to see the HAZ MAT crew coming over to give you medicine that is supposed to make you better - my new normal in my unexpected journey.
Anyway, this was the point that Maria commented to me - I knew the HAZ MAT time unnerved me but I had no idea that was when I became irritable. Makes sense when you think about it.
Luckily for everyone, by the time I get home, fatigue sets in and I fall asleep :) :)
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