I answered the counseling hot line today and a woman in a soft sweet voice asked me if there is something wrong with her because her husband does not want to have sex with her anymore?
She wanted to know what to do about it, as she broke out in tears on the phone. She stated that she had just been married a little over a year ago and ever since they got married it seemed as though the sex had gone form twice a week to maybe once a month. She said that she wanted to have children but it seemed as though she would never get pregnant, and now she was not even sure that she wanted to have children with him.
I explained to her that indeed this was not a good situation and it would be best if we could have a couple’s session and find out what was going on in the marriage. I explained that it is not only the sexual part that is missing from the marriage but the intimacy that is exchanged while making love. She agreed, and said that over the past six months, it had really taken a toll on her self-esteem making her feel as though something may be wrong with her, as to why he would no longer be attracted to her.
I asked if at one time they did have a good sex life and she said yes before marriage the sex was good but after marriage it seemed to slow way down, and his excuses continued to become more and more ridiculous. At one point she stated that she got dressed up for him and planned to seduce him when he got into bed, she tried everything possible to entice him. He simply gave her a kiss and said that he was exhausted and rolled over and went to sleep leaving her feeling ashamed, and crying herself to sleep in tears.
We set up an appointment for the two of them to meet in my office. Unfortunately she was not able to get him to come, but she did come herself to figure out what to do about the situation. We worked together for a few sessions and I gave her information and some direct questions as to challenge her husband with. After approaching him and not letting it go, her husband decided to join us in the sessions.
As we continued to talk and I got him to open up, he admitted that he had been masturbating to porn and that; it was something that he had done before the marriage. The type of porn he was masturbating to was completely shocking to his wife. The fact remained that they did care about each other but how could they possibly get past his issues with the porn and her utter disgust for the type of porn he was into.
The biggest problem was that he had a sexual pattern involving porn use before meeting his wife, and he most likely was not going to stop liking it, could they somehow integrate it into their sex life and he manage it, “possibly”, was she willing to accept his sexual proclivities and act them out with him, the answer was “no”.
The moral of this article is to educate others who may be struggling with similar issues and to act on it quickly. For this couple they had no children and were both still young and could find other people to share their lives with. Most of the time people don’t open up early in a marriage when there are problems especially women, they stay married, have children and hope that things will change and get better. This woman was brave enough to get help, and end a marriage that could have caused her years of pain. She is now, two years later happily married to a man and pregnant with her first child…..so indeed the story does have a happy ending!
The man you may ask, well he is happy too, after they divorced he came back to work on his own issues with me, later to understand that he was more happy being with men than women, and is still exploring his sexual path…