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My iPhone and me, perfect together

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I may not be one of those people who is always on the cutting edge of technology. In fact, I am usually on the edge that’s been worn down to a nub.

HBO and DVR capability arrived in our house only a couple of years ago. Blockbuster Video went out of business soon thereafter.

My two computers barely function. One has a broken “enter” key, and the other really compels one to do something to pass the amount of time required to fire it up. Like put in an eight-hour workday.

And until recently, I was possibly the ONLY person left who was still getting Netflix DVD’s by mail and not through streaming (it’s no wonder they arrived so quickly).

But a couple of months ago the biggest development ever to transpire in my technologically-challenged history happened. I traded in my dumb phone. In its defense, it was not the dumbest phone out there. It did take pictures, while I know of others still in possession of phones which do not. (Or maybe they just haven’t figured out how to use that feature.) And besides, it was not a flip phone but a slide phone. So there.

But now I FINALLY have a smart phone…a beautiful sleek sexy genius of an Apple iPhone 5S. We have a beautiful and passionate relationship, my iPhone and me. And honestly? I’ve never made a connection quite like it. One of the reasons is that as much as I love the people in my life, none of them have ever helped me get through so many diversely troubling scenarios quite like my iPhone already has, and our liaison just continues to grow more satisfying with each passing day. I love checking in at restaurants and posting pictures, talking my texts and enabling instant navigation. But besides being so convenient for checking email, playing games, searching the web and keeping up with social media, in our short time together this phone has bailed me out more times than the parent of a juvenile delinquent.

Bailout #1 - The holidays:

During the crazy holiday season, I found myself in Costco on a lunch hour doing what was supposed to be a quick errand: picking up the Christmas cards I had already ordered online (Or I should say RE-ordered. It was my second time this year at the Christmas card rodeo because the first batch came out way too dark). But lo and behold, due to some malfunction of the Costco website the day before (note to self: do NOT order cards online from Costco on Cyber Monday), the order never finished processing. So the woman in the photo department suggested I check my account on my smart phone and see if I could send the order the rest of the way through cyberspace and they would finish it while I waited. After years of practice, I was all ready to protest that I didn’t have a smart phone when I remembered. Now I did!

And the story had a happy ending because not only were they able to produce my cards before I went back to work that afternoon, but I could roam Facebook while I waited. My mood instantly went from frustrated to fantastic.

And later when I was decorating the Christmas tree and certain family members did not want holiday music all through the house because they were watching football, I was able to have my own little Christmas party in my pocket, thanks to Pandora and my iPhone.

Bailout #2 - Money:

When you’re far from home and your daughter is lacking rent money and needs a quick short term loan until she gets paid, there’s nothing handier than having a bank app on your phone.

Of course, the jury’s still out on whether this is truly an advantage or not.

Bailout #3 - Susan down:

Most of the time, our smart phones help us in the most technical of ways. But sometimes they can surprise us by literally saving our butts. Case in point: recently I had a washing machine malfunction and looked up from my phone long enough to see water pouring out from the laundry room. I shoved my little treasure (and its super-protective hard outer case) into my back pocket and went to work cleaning up the mess. But as soon as I removed my soaked shoes, I slipped on the soapy water and went straight down on my derriere. And not only did my phone’s case protect it, I think they both saved me from any after effects of that perfect pratfall. I escaped totally unscathed and pain free.

It’s a little ironic that the very same people who encouraged me for years to get a smart phone are now the ones who complain that I am addicted to it. I did warn these people that this would most likely happen, which is exactly why I held off for as long as I did.

I admit I have been known to pester Siri relentlessly with multiple questions in a single evening. I mean…she’s there, so why not? I’ve taught her to call me by name but, like mothers everywhere, she really only uses my name when she is exasperated with me.

As in, “Susan, I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

"What the heck, Siri? Isn’t your ONLY job to help me with that?"

And between you and me, sometimes I think she sends me in the wrong driving direction on purpose, just to assert herself and get back at me.

I guess as in any great relationship, we have our power struggles.

Recently my husband and I were watching one of those Dateline or 20/20 shows about people in jail for killing people they supposedly loved. (He always wants to watch these. Should I be worried?)

Anyway, the person in jail this week apparently sent 20,000 text messages in relation to her crime.

My husband: “Wow! 20,000 texts!”

Me: “Is that a lot?”

My husband (looking at me incredulously): “Maybe you should ask Siri.”

Last week this same husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. He said no flowers or candy. I suggested two of my favorite stores but he vetoed those too for some reason (maybe I really do need to start watching 20/20).

Being easy to please, I said “Whatever”.

On Valentine’s morning I was presented with two beautifully wrapped accessories for my iPhone. He admitted they weren’t the most romantic gifts but would be very useful.

But I begged to differ. As far as I’m concerned, pamper my iPhone and you pamper me. Could there be a more perfect Valentine than a gift for the one nearest and dearest to my little Emoji heart?

Now if only they would invent something where you could use your phone to take a selfie of yourself holding your phone. If they already have, I need to get it immediately.

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