Dear Deborrah:
I'm a 23 year old male and I have a problem. I love my girlfriend more then I have ever loved any woman. We have been together for 4 years now, and I want very much to marry her.
The problem is that she feels so guilty and conflicted about sex. At first I thought it was just premarital sex due to her religious beliefs, but after some recent talks I think that this may carry over into the marriage. I’m afraid that she will never be comfortable with sex or any sexual acts.
Though sex is not the most important part of our relationship for sure, but if anyone ever said that it wasn’t important at all they are lying.
I can hold out on the premarital sex (I’ve done it for 4 years now), but I don’t think that I can not have sex for the rest of my life. What should I do?
Signed,
Looking at No Sex Life
Dear No Sex Life:
Have you two considered premarital counseling? You need to encourage open communication about sex, and get to the root of her problems with physical intimacy before you marry. Because you are 100% correct, whatever problems she is having with sex will DEFINITELY carry over into your marriage.
A woman cannot put down decades of confusion, fear, guilt about sex or shame about her body, sexual desires or sexual activity overnight. Just because she says “I do!” doesn’t mean the teachings and fears she’s carried her entire life will be magically erased and she will turn into Freak of the Week with her now husband!
A frequent, hot, rewarding sex life is to me one of the key benefits of being married. Both of you should expect to enjoy that part of married life and you deserve to have it, otherwise you are just room mates with the same last name.
Look into getting over this hurdle with either psychological therapy or spiritual counseling at your church. I suspect there may be a history of child sexual abuse in her past, but you will never know and she will not get past the shame unless she gets some help.
You love her and you two deserve a shot at a happy marriage. After you get counseling you can better determine the future of this relationship. You may, with the help of your therapist, be forced to come to grips with the possibility that she may never change… she may never embrace sex or feel good about having it. Could you live with that? Would you be angry at her for holding you back from the pleasure of lovemaking with your mate?
If you cannot honestly see yourself living in a situation with a woman like that for the next 50 years, you would do best to accept this reality and move on now. Love is not enough to create a strong bond of marriage young man. Anyone that believes otherwise is merely fooling himself.
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