July 14, 2014
Thirteen Ways in Which Male Suitors Failed to Endear Me:
- By telling me through email that he really enjoyed my “epistle.” This prompted me to simultaneously research the word “epistle” and grasp my crotch.
- By stating, after sex, in a whiney tone, “We don’t have an emotional connection.”
- By expelling in excruciating detail his recipe for grilled shrimp, in response to my stating that my marriage lasted only thirteen months. Admittedly, I was awestruck that he knew about a connection between my ex and shrimp.
- By asking which comes first, preschool or kindergarten. In response, I gingerly explained that preschool comes first. Thus, the term “preschool.”
- By diagramming his inner ear on a napkin to explain his cochlear implants.
- By getting us stuck in his truck overnight, buried in three feet of mud, in the desert, with no phone signal or phones, and offering me as comfort one lone stale Oreo cookie from the glove compartment. Actually, the Oreo was a sweet gesture; I didn’t decline.
- By sending a text in which he spelled “college,” “collage.”
- By being 45 yet refraining from making-out, because it involves too much of a commitment and might lead to sex.
- By telling me we have no future because I’m not a vegetarian.
- By proudly boasting that he’ll pay for my muffin and tea, then unleashing from his wallet a buy-ten-get-one-free card.
- By telling me, with his arms around me as we lay outstretched on his couch, that I remind him of his mother.
- By declaring that Reagan is his President. Never mind his political ideology, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Reagan had died eight years earlier.
- By staring endearingly at, and fingering, his smart phone throughout the date, then abruptly ending the date by stating, “Well it was nice meeting you again.” I’d never met him before, and I wished I’d never met him in the first place.