My child is better than yours

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Weapon of Mass Destruction?

I called my friend this morning to give her an update on my children. “I survived another weekend,” I told her. “Mendel smeared something unmentionable on the toilet seat, attacked Isabella with a hammer, after which she jumped on his bed until it broke in half. Jeremy spent most of Sunday night at the hardware store.”

She readily agrees that, all in all, that’s fairly impressive. She also doesn’t have any gruesome comeback at the moment, so I win this round –in spite of the fact that my son wielded a toy hammer rather than the real thing. In addition, my husband has two left hands and hates the hardware store, so I get extra points for making him repair the bed.

It’s a conversation we have often. While other moms throughout history have bragged about their children’s growth, potty training, test scores, and quick wit, we have long ago given up on trying to point out how wonderful our kids are. They are not exactly bad, but they are overly creative –talented, even- while they misbehave, so we brag about that. It’s the same old game, but with entirely new rules. “I locked myself in my bedroom for an hour yesterday,” my friend will say, and I’ll respond by asking her: “Only one hour?”

I’ll tell her I felt like leaving my daughter at Target after she ran away for the third time, and she’ll tell me she accidentally on purpose forgot to pick up her son from daycare last week. When my children refuse to go to bed until 2 am, hers wake up at 5 am; when one of her children gives another a bloody lip, one of mine needs stitches. We never, ever judge each other, but we’re all about one-upmanship. Parenting can be a challenge, and when you have kids who are excessively original when thinking up mischief, it helps to know you’re not alone.

When your children misbehave, especially in public, it can be difficult to keep things in perspective. The judgmental stares of strangers, with or without perfect children strapped snugly in their seatbelts, can be intimidating when your own is hanging upside down from the shopping cart, exchanging insults with her younger sibling at the top of her lungs. It used to be that the mere thought of grocery shopping would drive me to the brink, and I would avoid it like the plague. Only when the cupboards would be completely empty, and I really couldn’t pull one more meal out of nowhere –you can only serve popcorn for dinner so many times- would I venture out with my kids.

However, there’s no shame in having naughty kids. That perfectly coiffed mom at the supermarket, with that well behaved child, is probably no better at parenting than I am; she’s just having a good day. Also, I’m performing a public service; if there’s one thing my friend and I have learned over the years it’s that nothing makes you feel better than seeing someone else’s children having a meltdown. “It’s great to hear horror stories when they are not about your own family,” my friend says. “Exactly like that guilty-but-good feeling you get when you hear a child whining in public, and you suddenly realize it’s not yours”. Also, it makes for fantastic contrast, because while our kids are never just a little naughty, they are also never just a little good. Instead, they go all out; good behavior comes with tambourines, parades, and a dance track. Unfortunately, it’s rarely in public: you just have to take our word for it.