To be honest, I have become really tired of the incessant and often inaccurate prognostications of the media's so-called experts when it comes to sports, entertainment, and politics. These people make proclamations as if the forthcoming games, events, and releases were already a done deal. Such numerous and arrogant "insiders" got me thinking that I – or anyone else for that matter – might as well make our own predictions for the new year. Anyway, they probably have the same validity and chance for fruition as other claims made by the alleged gurus.
So, why not make bold predictions about the music industry and see if any of them actually come true? That’s a rhetorical question of course. There is no downside to such brash attempts at clairvoyance. And if one of the following comes true, I will look like a genius … or at the very least that nerdy guy from Riptide. I know we're almost a month into the year, but better late than never. Actually, one of my predictions has already come true. Earlier this month, for the fifth consecutive year, Paul Stanley turned 58. So, here are the predictions in no particular order.
A reformed New Edition re-records their smash Mr. Telephone Man with producer Rick Rubin, and it goes to number 1 on the pop charts. But success is short lived as Bobby Brown gets arrested for stealing a crack pipe from the backseat of a Ford Pinto owned by troubled actor Charlie Sheen.
Speaking of New Edition, Bell, Biv, DeVoe returns with an unlikely new member, and renames itself Bell, Biv, DeVoe, and Dio. That’s right, hard rock legend Ronnie James Dio adds an edge to the tight soul harmonies, and brings critical praise but public outrage. Carl Fusting of the Denver Post calls the collaboration “a brilliant cross genre experiment that works to great effect,” but the album peaks at only #152 on the Billboard chart and quickly fades out of site. The planned tour is canceled. Dio returns to his solo career and books a concert at the Toy Tiger in Louisville. When he finds out that venue has been torn down for years, he simply plays inside the Thorntons gas and convenience store on the Toy Tiger’s previous site.
Hip new band Grizzly Bear gets sued by “Lester” a trained and domesticated grizzly bear who runs a souvenir stand in Gatlinburg, Tennessee (with the help of his trainer Sal McCracken). Represented by animal attorney Wade Blasingame, the bear wins his case, and the hot young band from Brooklyn changes its name to Grizzled Bear. The subtle change from proper name seems to make everyone happy.
Bret Michaels holds a press conference in which he announces he is completely shocked that anyone in the 21st century has any interest in him or his music. He even brings a civil suit against himself for causing “irreparable public harm” for recording Every Rose Has Its Thorn. VH-1 is the only news outlet that covers the press conference, and air it in its entirety after an episode of Making the Band 17.
Celine Dion will not release an album this year, which, in turn will singularly be responsible for increasing worldwide charitable donations by 11%. Despite economic hardships across nations, the people of the world in a joint spirit of joy and hope caused by the Canadian songstress’ inactivity, give more and attribute it to their buoyed spirits. How can it be attributed to Ms. Dion’s record status? By year’s end, when a Gallup Poll asks the populace why they made more donations this year, an overwhelming 91% cited No Celine Dion record while only 7% attributed it to More Income, and a mere 2% said Helping Others was a New Year’s Resolution.
Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert makes its triumphant return to television with guests Pablo Cruise and Orleans. An estimated 97 people watch.
Lee Greenwood releases a new CD. Sadly, no one notices.
Bill Wyman rejoins The Rolling Stones when his brief marriage to iCarly star Miranda Cosgrove is annulled after the young actress says she was tricked into matrimony because she was told Wyman was Jon Bon Jovi’s grandfather and she thought it would be cool to meet Bon Jovi. Why did it make Wyman want to get back in his old band? Britain's The Guardian reports that he told Mick Jagger that he wanted to take his mind off his personal troubles and just seeing Keith Richards made him feel better about himself.
A confused Dean of Vanderbilt University’s School of Business appoints Lionel Richie to the university’s ring of honor despite the fact that the entertainer never attended the Nashville-based school. When asked why he did it, Dr. Neil Sharperson said, “Richie is arguably the most famous Commodore, and he deserves this honor.”
The term “really not very supergroup” is created by music critic John McGraf of the Chicago Tribune when former Wham! sidekick Andrew Ridgeley forms a band with Flock of Seagulls' Mike Score and El DeBarge.
At astute intern at ABC Television realizes that Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve is a misleading title for the network’s annual holiday special citing the lack of guests who rock for the past two decades. Young Ricky Mantooth says, “I just don’t consider Rhianna and Jesse McCartney to be rockers.” The network settles on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Hottest Eve after Mantooth’s suggestion Dick Clark’s Yule Log is rejected.
END THE HURT (Harmful Unflattering Ruthless Taunting), a politically correct political action committee, demands legendary singer Fats Domino change his name because of its hurtful connotations. Instead, they suggest him going by the monikers Big Boned Domino, Robust Domino, or More To Love Domino. Mr. Domino politely refuses.
In an effort to regain some exposure, Lou Bega takes over the center square on a revamped and sydicated Hollywood Squares hosted by Mark Linn Baker.
Mr. Big Rock Band is the first misstep in the famous video game franchise. Plans for an Erasure version are put on hold.
Radiohead announces it will release no new material for two years as lead singer Thom Yorke goes back to school to get a culinary degree. Aghast, critics swoon into a depression and scurry to find another act to fawn over. Mysteriously, they agree on Dennis DeYoung.
In an attempt to change his image, Clay Aiken dons face paint and the persona of a wasp for his new album Suburban Misanthropy and its subsequent tour. LA Times critic Phil McKorkle doesn’t buy the new image, calling it “lame and strangely reminiscent of Vinnie Vincent.”
American Idol’s sustained popularity prompts Paramount Pictures to theatrically release the tenth anniversary edition of From Justin To Kelly. This, however, was not the most peculiar decision made by Hollywood during the year. It is later learned that TriStar has a sequel to Glitter in development with Carol Channing set to co-star with Mariah Carey as a crusty landlord with a heart of gold and the voice of an angel (on Marlboros).
Kurt Munson from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, admits that he is the one lone man in America who has not yet sold his copy of the Natalie Imbruglia CD Left of the Middle to Half Price Books.