I had planned to write an article about how there is no “one size fits all” education model. However, that post will have to wait, because one of those agonizing parental nightmares was rearing its head.
It started when I picked my almost-ten-year-old up from basketball camp yesterday afternoon. He was a little quiet when I arrived. I didn’t think too much about it as I knew he was tired from the nine-hour days at camp. He was still quiet, though, when I gave him the milkshake I bought to cool him down on the hot day. In fact, he didn’t even touch it. I thought something may be going on, but I also knew that he was exhausted from the non-stop basketball drills. In the car, I asked, “Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” Silence. I knew something was wrong, and in 5-4-3-2-1 seconds, I knew exactly what it was.
Shedding a tear, he said, “Mom, a lot of guys were taunting me today. It was terrible. They made fun of my jersey (a Lakers' jersey), told me my favorite player sucked and then said I sucked because I missed a bunch of shots. Then I got bullied on the court and pushed down.” By then the tears were flowing full stream.
My heart sunk and I could feel pieces of it starting to crack. I wanted to protect my boy. I wanted take away the pain. And, in all honestly, I wanted to yell back at the boys who had bullied my son.” (Ironically, I had just coached a parent on what to do when her son was being bullied a few days earlier.)
I didn’t do any of that, though. Rather, I did what I thought was right.
I pulled over the car, looked directly at him and said, “I’m so sorry, Finn. That stinks. Big time. There are so many things I could say to you right now about how to handle yourself. First, though, I think it is more important to let you cry. Get all those feelings of frustration out. Then, I think a big sip of your shake is due. Also, finally, if you want, I’d love to give you a giant hug.” He took advantage of all three, and once he calmed down, we were able to talk.
Bullying has become an epidemic. Yet it still seen by some as normal behavior that is “not big deal.” And, while many cases of bullying do resolve themselves, it should not be taken lightly. Simultaneously overreacting is not a good idea either. Assess the seriousness of the situation and respond accordingly. The following steps can help you and your child stop the bullying without singling him or her out.
1. Keep your feelings in check. As a parent, you want to protect your child at all costs, especially when he or she is hurt. However, your child wants to protect you as well. When you show how upset you are, it adds more charge to the situation. This can fuel any insecurities or anxieties your child is feeling causing him or her to shut down. Your child can feel like they are to blame for causing you grief. Instead, save those feelings until you are alone, and ask yourself, “what does my child need from me right now?”
2. Provide a safe space for your child to express his or her feelings. Young people are emotional warehouses. They are filled with happiness, sadness, joy, frustration, calm, anger and so much more. As a parent, let your child know that it is okay to express those emotions. Give him or her permission to cry or yell or just sit. Releasing those emotions in a safe space allows your child to move through the situation rather than hold it in or ignore it.
3. Talk it out. Children are often reluctant to talk about being the victim of bullying so it is important to reassure them that talking about it will help and that you care about their well-being. Also, many kids think that telling their parents or teachers about being a victim of bullying will only make it worse so be sure to take positive steps that will not instigate the problem. Ask your child what he or she has tried to do to stop the bullying and give them other ways to stop it. Give your child permission and suggestions advice on how to stop bullying themselves: using humor, or just remaining calm will stop bullying. When children react confidently and assert themselves to a bully, he will often stop without adult intervention. Bullying is not about being right or wrong. It's about feeling heard. Bullies want to feel heard. And, contrary to popular believe, bullies do not have low esteem. Actually, bullies generally feel good about themselves. They bully others for power. Encourage your child to understand that just because someone says something about him or her doesn't make it true. If your child diffuses the situation by shrugging it off or laughing – even if it is at oneself - because this shows your confidence. The hallmark of a confident child is his or her belief in oneself. (This also builds confidence in others!) Again, the bullying isn’t really about your child. It’s about the bully feeling powerful, and bullies are less likely to feel powerful around those who feel confident.
4. Continue to support your child in other ways. One of the best self-esteem boosters is to cultivate a habit of gratitude. Realizing your blessing can help to act as a shield against negative responses. A few good exercises in gratitude include having a gratitude board (use a white board and write your blessings on it each day), a gratitude jar (write down notes of gratitude in a jar and pull them out at dinner), or just sharing what you are grateful for each day at breakfast, dinner or bedtime.
5. Report the bullying. If your child is a victim of bullying and it is cruel enough to cause physical, emotional or self-esteem damage, then you and your child must inform your child's teacher and principal what is going on. Schools have no tolerance for bullying and if they are aware of what is going on will work with parents and students to create a solution. Confronting the parent of your child's bully may or may not be a good idea, so talk with the school first. Sometimes a bully's parents will be unaware of what is going on and will be willing to help. Other times a bullies parents will deny that there is a problem or not want to help. Children are often afraid that they bully will find out that they told on them and bully them even more severely. While this is a legitimate fear, taking the proper, positive action will usually not result in this.
There is a happy ending to this story, though. This morning, as my son got ready for his last day of basketball camp, the tears were gone. They had been replaced with a renewed sense of worth. As he put on another basketball jersey similar to the one he wore yesterday, I asked, “Is that the shirt you are wearing today?” His reply was, “Yep. I don’t really care what these kids think or say. I’m going wear my shirt because **I** like it. And, if they tease me, I’m going to say ‘Dude, really?’ cuz bottom line is I don’t care if they like me because I like me.”
I don’t think I couldn't have said it better myself.
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Has your child experienced bullying? What steps did you take to support your child and stop the bullying?
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