Snitch (Crime/Action Adventure, PG-13) – Alright jabronis, listen up. The Rock says you’re going to take your candy asses down to your local cinema, you’re going to plunk down your 2 bits and you’re going to go see the Rock’s new movie, ‘Snitch’. Or else the Rock is going to come to your Jabroni house, right in Candy Assylvania, just off the corner of Gumdrop Lane and knock on your roody poo door. Oh yeah, the Rock's gonna come right into your peppermint themed living room.
And then the Rock’s gonna say, “Hey Jabroni, how’s tricks?” And you’re gonna be all, “Uhh… Rocky, hey. How are ya?” And the Rock’s gonna say, “Fine.” And you’re gonna be all, “How’s your mom?” and the Rock’s gonna say, “Fine. Mom’s fine, dad’s fine everybody’s fine.” And you’re gonna be all, “Rocky, uhh… I was gonna go…”
But no! Do you understand, No! The Rock’s gonna cut your roody poo candy ass off right there. And the Rock’s gonna say, “Sooo, uhh, why aren’t you out seeing the Rock’s new movie, ‘Snitch’ instead of sitting here being the biggest candy ass what ever assed candy this side of Willy Wonka? In it the Rock plays an ailing father—see, the Rock’s a sensitive man sometime, when I’m not out laying the smackdown on jabronis such as yourself. So the Rock goes undercover to bring down those responsible for getting the People’s Champ’s son sent up to San Quentin, where he’ll be forced to sing the Jailhouse Rock. So the Rock infiltrates one of the biggest drug cartels in town and brings them down hard, I’m talking People’s Elbow off the top ropes hard. You’d like to see a movie that, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. So why aren’t you out now seeing it?”
And the Rock’s gonna just stand there and watch your monkey ass hem and haw and try to pull whatever lame excuse you can think of out of the air. “Rocky, I didn’t think I would—”
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT. YOU. THINK!
So listen up closely, roody poo, and listen now. If you don’t go out and see the Rock’s new movie, right Rockin’ now, the Rock is gonna layeth the smacketh down on your candy ass.
If ya smellllllll……lalalalaloww… (Dwayne Johnson, Susan Saraxndon, Michael Kenneth Williams, Jon Bernthal)
Click to see the trailer for ‘Snitch’.
Dark Skies (Horror, PG-13) – Husband and wife Daniel and Lacey Barret are living the idyllic suburban life. When a series of unexplainable, bizarre occurrences upset their happy home, they soon realize something dark and terrifying is after them, and now the mysterious entity has its sights set on their children. (Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, Dakota Goyo)
Click to see the trailer for ‘Dark Skies’.
Also opening in limited release:
Bless Me, Ultima (Drama/Novel Adaptation, Unrated) – In the era of World War 2, eccentric shamaness and healer, Ultima moves in with the Marez family, teaching them her ancient ways. Young Antonio Marez finds himself mysteriously drawn to the strange woman and is forced to confront what he thought he knew about life when his strict Catholic upbringing collides with Ultima’s “magic”. (Luke Ganalon, Miriam Colon, Dolores Heredia, Benito Martinez)
Click to see the trailer for ‘Bless Me, Ultima’.
Inescapable (Drama, Unrated) – Adib Abdel Kareem is a Syrian ex-pat living in Toronto with his wife and two adult daughters. He thought he had put his past life as a member of Syria’s military police behind him. However, when one of his daughters is abducted in Damascus he is forced to return there and confront the sins of his past. (Alexander Siddig, Marisa Tomei, Joshua Jackson, Saad Siddiqui)
Click to see the trailer for ‘Inescapable’.
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Movies Opening Archive
02/08/13: 'Identity Thief', 'Side Effects'
10/19/12: 'Paranormal Activity 4', 'Alex Cross'