Moves that won't land you women

Photo by Wendy Alas

Some age old tale hints men as dominant--still--and women as submissive when it comes to getting what, or who, they want. 

 

When it comes to dating, men--traditionally--are supposed to sweep girls off their feet with witty and charming traits. While women are left sensationalizing a Hollywood love story in which she plays a damsel in distress or the beautiful mysterious woman in waiting.  

 

In reality, men hit the beer bong too early before doing weird things to women on Friday and Saturday night while women are left too sober putting up with innocuous behavior. All the more reason women are convinced that the "men are from Mars women are from Venus" theory is true. 

 

 

For instance: 

 

A man should never hit on girls in a parking lot. People are in parking lots for three reasons: arrival, departure and theft. Therefore, hitting on a girl before she has her e-brake on shows you’re desperate; at least wait until you are inside the bar. If she is leaving, let her leave. Your swaying body and cigarette breath are not stopping her unless you are somehow related to a cast member of Twilight; girls are into the vampire stuff so go with it. The parking lot is not romantic and poorly lit; therefore, you are border line sex offender and just plain creepy. 

 

Never use a cheesy pickup lines sounding as if a prepubescent boy in a Judd Apatow movie made it up; asking a woman if it hurt when she fell from heaven will only cause uproar of laughter from all her friends as she points in your direction while explaining the story. 

 

Please don’t linger in a circle of girls after they have stopped talking to you. The fact that they are trying to slowly close the circle off should be an indicator that it is time to creepily linger around a new group of unsuspecting victims.

 

Try not to ask for a phone number then a Facebook link, home address, and family history. Who are you kidding? She was turned off when you mentioned your fetish with the new Crest Whitestrips, she may give you a phone number but who is to say it is correct?

 

Asking if she has any hot friends for your friends who are standing 20 feet away pretending they have no clue what's going on is a set up for failure. You may as well ask her if she has any regard for civility and whether or not she would like to punch you now or later.

 

Asking a woman's chest what she likes to do for fun, her profession and where she went to college has been seen many times; you are not getting away with it. Her chest is not going to perform a magic trick or play a Godfather marathon so stop staring so intently. It's not like you haven’t seen boobs before; at least stare at the boobs serving you beer, not the ones you want to take home.

 

 

Don’t grab anything on a girl; not clothes, arms or worse: hair. Yes, while you may feel like the most interesting man in the world because you have been drinking Dos Equis all night, you will be really embarrassed when she screams at you in front of any potential lovers who might have forgotten about the incident ten minutes later.

 

Ladies, if you have not already begun to ignore pathetic innuendo and take men into your own hands, it looks like it's time.  You have earned your place for domination in the non traditional sense so get out there and do it the right way.