The December 2011 issue of the Parent Map is out and has wonderful articles for all parents. One such article is the feature article titled Raising Morality: Nurturing character and conscience in our children by Malia Jacobsen. Let us face the facts here, read any news story, or turn on the news, and there is something wrong with the way our society is operating. And, if you think it is just the false pretense of those who are religious saying that we live in a society where morality has significantly declined, then one has not fully considered that there are others out there saying the same thing that many preachers and religious leaders are saying. Hence, we will look at why parents have an obligation to raise their children with the appropriate measures of understanding and determining right from wrong. The Marysville Parenting Examiner would like to open up discussion on the importance of morality as it pertains to raising morally conscience children in our society and culture today.
The first observation that Malia Jacobsen relates is how parents today are inundated with messages on how to keep their child’s body and mind healthy and then asks what about their child’s moral health? This is an important question parents ought to be asking. How are we, as parents, doing in regards to teaching and equipping our children to develop moral character and conscience? Quoting Michele Borba, author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, as to how our moral climate today is worse than it was in 2001. She further references a Gallup poll where seven out of ten Americans feel the moral state of the country is declining.
Gallup Poll: American’s Outlook for U.S. Morality Remains Bleak:
Published in May 17, 2010 by Jeffrey M. Jones, relates that Americans are three times more likely to describe the current state of moral values in the United States as “poor” than as “excellent” or “good”. The conclusion to this is that current Gallup poll rankings on the issue of morality are the worst ever measured. The findings, according to the published poll, showed 76% of Americans view a decline in moral values and that this is getting worse. Fourteen percent of Americans stated that moral values are seen to be improving.
Where, then is the decline in the moral fabric of American society? According to Jones, the common denominator for moral decline in our society is based on the respondents’ view where there is a lack of respect for other people and a more general decline in moral values and standards. Some who responded view that the problem rests upon poor parenting and specifically referencing how parents not instilling proper values in their children. Others claim that there are poor examples within government and businesses where such individuals are caught up in ethical and/or moral scandals. Still, other respondents point to the rise of violence and crime, as well as turning away from God, church and religion. The last thought on where our society is morally bankrupt is with the breakdown of a two-parent family.
One significant area where this is affecting children is the explosion of school bullying, and the advent of modern technology, this has become predominately a major concern for parents, school officials, law enforcement agencies and local, state, and federal government leadership.
Modern Technologies and the detached family
Jacobson also shares how modern technology has affected the family relationship and how family members become detached from one another. Citing a study from the University of Missouri human development, scientists report that wireless technology is harming family relationships as people spend more time plugged in to a device and less time connecting with one another.
Along with this, Jacobson also mentions the Kaiser Family Foundation and the increase of media use among young children. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, in the past five years, the media use increased by 20%. The study concludes with this:
Today, 8-18 year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes (7:38) to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week). And because they spend so much of that time ‘media multitasking’ (using more than one medium at a time), they actually manage to pack a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes (10:45) worth of media content into those 7½ hours.
Furthermore, under the subheading – Parents and media rules – the study shows that approximately three in ten young people have stated they have rules about how much time they can spend watching TV (28%) or playing video games (30%), and 36% say the same about using the computer. Along with this, the findings show that those parents who do have established rules on media usage in the home, those children spent nearly three hours less on media consumption than their peers who do not have rules. The impact of this study also found that those who engage in heavy media usage have purported to receive lower grades than those of their peers who have lower media consumption.
Jacobson concludes that the revelation these studies provide is the inability for children to learn how to develop and practice empathy because they are more plugged into some form of technology than they are actively engaged in the family relationship. A treat she references from Borba as being the core goodness.
Religion’s role
Mentioned earlier, those respondent’s that view one of the contributing factors in a morally declining society believe it is due to a lack of belief in God, and turning away from church and religion. Jacobson provides data from the Hartford Institute for Religion Research where the report concludes that church attendance has dropped 16.9% over the past ten years. Jacobson then states: fewer parents are benefiting from the support of a values-based community or a ready-made script. And, lack of support can hurt parents’ efforts to guide children’s moral growth.
In our culture and society, there is a strong opposition against religion and the belief in God. There is opposition against any form of moral regulation and moral construct within the fabric of our society. The push for removing any moral accountability and stand against those things that are immoral has become the modus operandi of many aggressive movements. One such movement is that where to say the homosexual lifestyle is morally wrong would bring about condemnation, labeling of one being a homophobe, and being called intolerant and a bigot. Other areas deal with consumption of alcohol, drug use – specifically Marijuana use, and the predominate sexualization of America’s youth.
Thus, the role of religion in the lives of parents and their children provide the framework in developing strong moral characteristics, despite what many that have set them against, in order to become viable members of a society that contributes the health and welfare of their respective community. Those who view religion as a means to “oppress and keep in bondage” tend to have a lack in moral integrity. Without religion, there are no boundaries because there is no need for moral accountability and one is free to decide how to live their life without prejudice and condemnation. Unfortunately, it is this mentality that has created the moral depravity of our society to begin with.
Undermining Morality and Moral Agency
The greatest travesty a parent can make is instilling a false sense of “happiness” in their children. What this means is that, according to Rev. David R. Brown of Immanuel Presbyterian Church in Tacoma, Washington (as Jacobson quotes), Children raised on a steady diet of happiness need to learn to appreciate sadness – an important component of empathy. In other words, if parents do not allow their children to learn pain, suffering, loss, or endure any form of opposition, that child does not grow to learn how to empathize with others. It creates a false sense of security and identity within that child where they view the world from an illusion the parent created, and would not be able to handle reality when they step out on their own and experience the pains and sufferings of life. In other words, if a parent does not teach their children the necessity of working hard to earn something, that child does not learn to appreciate hard work, and develops a behavioral concept that they are entitled to something without having to put forth the effort to earn it through working toward it.
Along these lines, it creates a false sense of security as well. In this life, we have moral agency and with that moral agency comes moral accountability. When we make a mistake, we ought to learn from that mistake, and learn to move past that mistake. When we violate particular laws and boundaries, we are subject to the consequences that follow. Life is not all peachy keen and it is not a bed of roses where there is nothing that can happen to us. How pain and suffering helps develop a greater ability to empathize with others is that it gives us a lens to share our experiences.
One such example is the effects twelve step programs have on the life of a recovering addict. Without this network of support and ability to share and work toward recovery, an addict would not know how to relate to others because there is no one to empathize and relate to them as well. In this, the addict will forever remain in their bondage and enslavement to the particular substance that they have become addicted. Along these lines, a child who does not learn the concept of opposition, pain, suffering, sadness, and difficulty in life will not be able to understand the concept of joy, redemption, forgiveness, and to show empathy toward those who are struggle. In a sense, they become detached, and even to the point of developing Anti-Social personality disorders.
Raising Children of moral character
The first place a child learns about relationships, interacting with others, work ethics, and even to show empathy is within the home. This is the first and most fundamental school ground where a child develops. Therefore, as parents, it is our obligation to raise children with moral integrity. How, then, can we do this? Referencing Borba, Jacobson reiterates that the three most fundamental traits children should learn are: (1) Empathy, (2) conscience, and (3) self-control. These three essential core principles are important for a child to become a productive and contributing member of society.
Empathy – Compassion and Charity
When we teach our children to develop empathy, we are also teaching them the principles of compassion and charity. This is because empathy, compassion, and charity are synonyms of one another. When we show compassion, we also show empathy. When we give, we are giving out of our compassion for those who are without and therefore empathizing with them in their need and wants. Along with this, we are teaching our children to not think of their needs, but to become selfless in serving others in meeting the needs of those whom they are serving.
Conscience – the knowledge of right and wrong
Instilling the concept of right and wrong, we are facilitating our children in the ability to understand the implications of how, why, and in what manner their decisions affect them personally, as well as those around them. This includes knowing, deciding for them what is appropriate, and what is not appropriate. Understanding right from wrong is an innate trait that begins from infancy and into our adulthood. It is not so much teaching them not to do something, or encouraging them to do something, it is also explaining the reasoning behind why they should not, or encouraging them why they should. Jacobson provides an analogy that Borba uses of a toddler pulling on the cat’s tale. Instead of telling the toddler not to pull the cats tale, it would be far better to share why it is wrong by stating how it hurts the cat when one pulls on the tail.
Another way of looking at this is when a toddler picks up an object and decides to throw it at someone. Instead of telling her to not throw the item, provide a reinforced behavior of where and in what context throwing something is okay as opposed to how and why other contexts of throwing something is not okay. This helps distinguish the ability to differentiate when something is appropriate whereas when something of the same nature is not appropriate.
Self-Control – the most foundational principle of governance
The last core character trait children should develop is that of self-control. Teaching our children the ability to govern and regulate their thought, speech, and conduct is one of the most foundational principles that will affect how they live their lives and become viable participants of a healthy community and society. Self-control involves all aspects of behavior and cognitive thinking. It is not just enough to teach a toddler that it is not okay to curse. It is teaching a toddler to control how and in what manner they ought to speak and conduct themselves.
According to kidshealth.org, helping our children realize the importance of self-control is important because by learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes. Yet, it is not just teaching our children the ability to govern how they speak, react, and conduct themselves appropriately, when they see us conducting ourselves in ways to where we show how to control oneself, they learn far better by our example than if we were to set down and explain to them why they should not have said that, or reacted in such a manner. We defeat the purpose of teaching them when we ourselves do not govern our own manner of speech and reactions.
Summary of thought and reflection
Malia Jacobson’s article is important for every parent to read, understand and apply in how we ought to raise our children. Moral integrity and character is vitally important for our children, especially in today’s society. We should not keep them from experiencing sadness, pain and suffering. We should also teach them appropriate measures in how they ought to conduct themselves through self-governance, and the ability to differentiate from the good and bad.
Raising children in today’s society is very challenging, and very rewarding. However, we must be vigilant in how we raise our children. The lessons we teach, the examples we set, our children will mirror them and then step out into the world of life and either is equipped to become vital participants, or to continue bringing society further down the road of depravity. It all begins in the home and shame on us if we neglect our obligation to raise morally conscience children.
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