On September 23, Marcus Buckingham of the Huffingtonpost posted part two of his series on women and their declining levels of happiness. The topic has received widespread attention from several esteemed writers including Maureen Dowd of the New York Times. Following is a review and commentary Mr. Buckingham’s and others’ articles, as well as a novel explanation for why women are suffering a dearth of joy.
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Women and happiness: that phrase may soon be an oxymoron if the research on the subject and the attention it is getting holds true. Based on data collected over the past 40 years, women are reporting decreasing levels of happiness, not just versus their female counterparts from the past, but also in general as they age. In fact, where teenage girls once were as happy as teenage boys, they now start their adult lives less so. Below is a recap of some of the most popular explanations for these observations. (photo credit: OAM)
Societal and self-expectations?
One reason that resonates with many women is our society’s increased obsession with youth and standards of beauty that are out of reach for most. This creates a sense of alienation and of feeling invisible, something Maureen Dowd also underlined in her column. And while Mr. Buckingham doesn't mention the pressures to look a certain way, he does point out that, women are harder on themselves than men; we focus on our flaws more than our strengths. His conclusion, “Since women, as a group, believe that success flows from drilling down into their weaknesses, and since, as has happened to women over the last 40 years, they've gradually acquired more and more domains in which they are supposed to succeed, a researcher would expect to see women characterizing themselves more and more by who they aren't, becoming more and more self-critical, and more aware of their flaws and failings, all of which might well accelerate these dissatisfaction trend-lines.”
One does not need training in the scientific method (which I have) to understand the inverse relationship between expectations and self-acceptance from a woman’s perspective. In other words, is the problem that as our expectations skyrocket, our sense of personal satisfaction declines?
Family obligations?
It takes a tremendous amount of work, being the architect of a child’s character; all while harboring worries that previous generations did not have to face (environmental, political, social, sexual and technological pressures, the stuff of a much longer column for the future). As Mr. Buckingham reports, children, “may give our lives trajectory, and meaning, and purpose, but their gift to us is not happiness. Of course, this does not apply to all women--some women feel as though they were put here for the sole and express purpose of raising their kids and nothing, no professional dream or accomplishment, can compare to the joy of this. What the data show, though, is that these women are in the minority.”
As a mother of two, I can relate to this, except, there is a hole in this thinking. Fathers today do more childcare, and are more active participants than their counterparts 40 years ago, which means that the burdens of balancing parenting can’t fully explain our declining joy.
Feminism and the paradox of choice?
Maureen Dowd in Blue is the new Black, questioned whether feminism benefited men more than women. She writes, "When women stepped into male- dominated realms, they put more demands — and stress — on themselves. If they once judged themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens and dinner parties, now they judge themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens, dinner parties — and grad school, work, office deadlines and meshing a two-career marriage." Has feminism opened up so many opportunities that women are now faced with too much? If this is so, then why aren't men also reporting more distress? Their choices have increased as much over the past two generations, and yet they report increased happiness.
Perhaps it is our reactions to these choices, particularly when something goes wrong. According to Ms. Dowd women, “tend to attach to other people more strongly, beat themselves up more when they lose attachments, take things more personally at work and pop far more antidepressants.” Can it be that we are sad because we have too much to do, too much to chose from, and too many responsibilities? Or is the answer something else?
Blame the men?
And then a male reader’s comment caught my attention. Rabbi Ben Kamin suggested that, ’Women are sadder, because deep down, men are shallower.’ Is it possible that the reason women are sad is as simple as that? Not being the kind of writer or woman inclined towards harsh judgment of men, I nonetheless understood immediately what he meant.
Modern Love’s answer to why women are sadder
The truth of happiness, or the lack thereof, has much less to do with how we look, our emerging opportunities, the changing roles of men and women, and the like. I believe the answer lies in something far more fundamental than the trappings of modern life. When you strip away the to do lists, the meetings, the expectations, the technology and the masks, women’s needs are fundamentally the same. They are the same as they were two decades ago, when these studies on happiness were initiated.
Intimacy and happiness
Modern Love submits that what we are really experiencing is a crisis, not so much of declining happiness, but of a lack of authentic intimacy. Women are sadder because we are yearning for connection that isn’t there.
We are sadder because we have discovered that the emptiness within cannot be filled with professional success, Botox, or a purchased pair of perky breasts.
We are sadder because the burden of raising a family doesn’t guarantee a connection to those we love the most.
We are sadder because we have an unfulfilled need to be known, to be seen, to be heard and to be loved in a way that is incompatible with life as we now live it, and we are not certain what our intimacy essentials are or how we can go about fulfilling them.
We are sadder because we are further away from understanding our yearnings and desires in a world that places greater value on the material over spiritual, on riches over wealth, and on popularity over substance.
We are sadder because we crave a real and abiding intimacy – in the context of a romantic and sexual union – with our partners. But the problem is that we are afraid to admit to a need that may appear as if we are weak, needy or dependent on another in a world increasingly critical of admissions of vulnerability.
The next step
There are many places to go from here, and because Modern Love feels so strongly that we deserve a different legacy, and certainly want to bequeath to our daughters and sons a path that helps them experience more happiness, I promise to explore this topic more fully in upcoming columns. Indeed, if happiness is indeed linked to deeper connections to our loved ones, than it makes sense that we explore ways to increase intimacy - sexually, emotionally, and mentally - in our relationships. In the meantime, the greatest compliment you can give me is to share this column with your friends and family.
For more on the topic, read:
Modern Love: Modern Love and the secret of women who know happiness, Happiness: daily dose of love and Modern Love responds to, 'What's happened to women's happiness'.
Marcus Buckingham's articles: What's happening to women's happiness? and Women's happiness, what we know for sure.
Rita Watson's: Happiness hints for wives and lovers.
Follow me on twitter: ModernLoveWritr. Send email questions/comments to tmbsdre@yahoo.com.
All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
Tinamarie, I have goosebumps. This is one of the most thought-provoking pieces that I have read in a long-time. Exquisitely crafted. I need to go back and read it again.
Happiness/ R
Be the change you wish to see in the world!!!
Nostalgic bullshit.
...and the effects of the women's lib movement conitinue to become apparent. Women have been taught for way too long that they're not good enough. That being a mother and running a family aren't enough. That unless they have a great career, AND a perfect body, AND the face of an angel they have somehow fallen short. Way to go Gloria!
Dear R - thank you! Dear Heidi - I'm trying. Dear A - breathe. Dear NR - I hear your frustration. I gently say, Don't blame the messenger just yet. Feminism is still evolving, as our we.
All - thanks for reading.
I find it ridiculous that you think a man, and a young one at that, know why women are sad. This is as bad as John Gray's venus-mars crap. Buckingham is out to make money period.
I respectfully believe that wisdom can be found wherever one looks for it. Men, women, young, old, mars-venus...and many of the ideas presented here are not Mr. Buckingham's, they are my own propositions based on years of experience...as a woman, no longer young, but old enough to know.
WOW, a different legacy! YES that is what women need. "A" and "b" you should READ before reacting, might help with your ANGER issues.
Tinamarie, this was a great article. I can tell by all the comments that you really caused people to think about this subject. I actually do agree that most men are shallower than ever these days. It's sad, but true. (Readers, please note that I did NOT say ALL men.) ~Boston Women's Relationship Advice Examiner
Ms. Bernard,
With all due respect, I think your paragraph "Intimacy and Happiness" should read "I am sadder ...." It is rather presumptuous for you to speak for "all" women. We all have our own stories. I much prefer the story that Kathleen Brehony weaves in "Awakening at midlife," in which she writes about rediscovering the connection between the body and the spirit. For more, see www.happiness-after-midlife/her-midlife-crisis.html.
Happiness is a complex issue. If women are not as happy as they were 40 years ago, it's because of the continued decline in everyone's ability to be grateful for what we have - and to focus on the positives in our lives. The media have much responsibility for this. Everything we hear is "bad news". At www.behappy101.com. my intent is to reverse this trend - for both men and women. Thanks for addressing the issue.
Great column and interesting points! I like how you dissected the subject. This topic definitely needs to be explored further. Excellent job!
Authors note: In no way do I mean to speak for 'all' women in this piece, only those who find a bit of themselves in the views represented here, and don't have a forum to express themselves in. As always, comments are always appreciated.
I hear so much of myself in the possible reasons why women are sadder.Men can be shallow, but its the good shallow. They will not agonize over things that cannot be controlled. Women sometimes carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.
Tinamarie, this is thought-provoking. Thanks for your comment today . . . right back to you with a plug for your site on a piece I published last year about metamorphosis: www.examiner.com/examiner/x-12104-Health-and-Happiness-Examiner~y2009m6d1-Metamorphosis-applies-to-us-too
Cheers,
g
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very good responses. thanks. I read this yesterday, pondered a little and came back. You can read articles you swear were written today and they can be dated 50 years ago. we have all seen these. I find happiness truely does start within. I totally agree on the daily gratitude. I get one in my e-mail everyday and it helps. the grass is not greener on the other side.
Why is it that these liberal-leftish columnists always present women as being in a state of perpetual crisis? "Blub, blub, blub, I wish I were as rich and pretty and thin as the ladies on TV...." Maybe if these fragile creatures (If they even exist outside of columns) were a little less self absorbed they'd realized that they are among the most privileged people who have ever lived.
Intamacy and union with one partner, getting to know and understand ones true self is true.
My wife just left me about 7 weeks ago and it was for these reasons. The union and bond for one another in a true sense, not just because of work , the kids, money. We weren't there for one another. The rest of our daily lives could not keep us together, they just further divided us.
I thought they would be enough, but they weren't.
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