“Imagine another way to experience sexuality, one that merges body, mind and spirit when we make love.  At its most sublime, sex is an expression of physical and spiritual connection.  In our lover’s embrace and in our mutual satisfaction, we are momentarily transcendent. That is because sensuality resonates in the essence of who we are – and not in the act of intercourse. In truth, sex is as sacred as we make it.” 

At the time I wrote those words, I had not yet heard the phrase, ecstatic sex. My intuition told me there could more to sex than just bodies exchanging heat and sweat. After all, we don’t call it lovemaking for nothing; something heavenly occurs when the person you are with is very, very special.  The question is, how does a couple take their Modern Love to that next level?

We seem to live in a world heavy on smut (on one hand) and denial and shame (on the other); sexuality is particularly stretched between two polarized ends, promiscuity and prudishness. The first approach treats intimacy like junk food; something to gorge on, consume, imbibe in abundance. We all know the consequences of a binge. That booty call may scratch a momentary itch, but is it enough to feed your soul?

Prudishness is equally reactive. The messages of ‘don’t have sex!’ because it is dirty/shameful/sinful are rooted in fear and misinformation. I am convinced that many people are dissatisfied with these options, and want to deepen their personal relationships with their significant other. We yearn to find our soul-mate, and once we have, we wonder: is there is a way to expand our intimacy, merge the physical and spiritual expressions of love?

Modern Love is going to explore ecstatic sex - the idea that making love involves more than just physical pleasure and procreation, that it is also a sacred expression of our soul and spiritual life force – in the upcoming columns.  

Interestingly enough, our ancestors may have already had a better understanding of how to do this. In her column on the topic, Linda Savage of the Huffington Post writes, “This perspective was the norm in many cultures pre-dating Greek and Roman times and these societies date back 30,000 years...the fact is that sexuality and spirituality were never split until well into the first millennium of the Common Era when denial of the body became the popular theology of the day.”

How did this split come about? I believe I found one answer the serendipitous way, in a book about food (because food and sex really are related from the perspectives of both pleasure and procreation).  Samuel. H. Dresner of the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism Commission on Jewish Education, 2000 discusses the notions of holiness, escapism and exploitation from the perspectives of the world’s major spiritual movements - paganism, Judaism, and Buddhism/Early Christianity. He writes, “Exploitation says nature is holy and thereby unleashes the beast within us.  Escape says nature is unholy and thereby frustrates are natural desires.  Sanctification says nature is neither holy or unholy, but is waiting to be made holy and it thereby sublimates our natural desires to the service of God…”

From this perspective, if we see the connection between holiness, escapism and exploitation, we can also see how we view basic human drives. Or, in the case of sex, create an unnatural dichotomy between escapism (prudishness) and exploitation (promiscuity), leaving no room for sanctification (ecstatic) lovemaking.

Ecstatic sex introduces a deeper consciousness into lovemaking between partners. This translates into a stronger sense of connectedness and commitment. Making love becomes transcendental, blissful, and inspiring.

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All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard.  Reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.