In order to best serve the reading audience, I have undertaken a thorough and time consuming consultation with NFL historians, sources inside various franchises, veteran beat reporters, National analysts, reams of research from the past decade, tarot cards, soothsayers, carnival fortune tellers, Nancy Grace and other eminently qualified experts.
After carefully collating and digesting the voluminous and often mind numbing numbers, facts and opinions, allow me to impart some sage wisdom and advice for Bill Cowher, Jon Gruden, Brian Billick, Jeff Fisher and any other coach who might for one instant consider becoming Head Coach of the Miami Dolphins in 2012.
Run.
Save your life, that of your family including well-loved pets, friends, foes, acquaintances, passers-by, those you’ve shaken hands with over the past 30 years, people you’ve come into contact with at local convenience stores, vocal recognition software, and yes, even the people who can barely understand or speak English on customer-service lines based in emerging dictatorships.
The Miami Dolphins have been a radioactive franchise since 1995 when Don Shula was fired by Wayne Huizenga, a man who made his fortune in garbage and was apparently seeking a way to cleanse himself in purifying waters of the NFL.
While Shula had indeed reached the end of a legendary career, he deserved better than to be shoved off the precipice by what turned out to be ownership of another media and ego infatuated possessions Master. One who knew nothing about running a sports franchise and simply wanted a bauble to wear around town while the local media was puckering up for a chance to wrangle an invitation to the next country club soiree.
It was the end of the Miami Dolphins being a franchise to be feared, and the beginning of one to be sneered at in seasonal derision by players and fans alike.
An end that began with not only Huizenga, but also the man who possessed a bigger Miami ego than Tony Montana.
Jimmy Johnson came back to Miami and the scene of his collegiate success loaded with Super Bowl rings, promises and cliches. 4 seasons. 2-3 in the post season. Guarantees of a return to greatness that ended in the Dolphins suffering the second worst playoff loss in NFL history, 62-7 to, of all teams, the Jacksonville Jaguars. Johnson skulked away to his boat in the Keys and a popular broadcast career, never again to touch another play chart.
Merely the beginning of what certainly ranks as the single most sadly hysterical and, at the same time, tragic run of Head Coaches who were overmatched, overhyped, under qualified underachievers who got their jobs in part the old-fashioned way.
Sucking up to powerful people in order to nail a job and thus exist as little more than a lackey. Forging a permanent bond to those coattails in timeless gratitude. Riding college success to a high paying professional gig with no or little NFL experience. Being the guy occupying the first office door down the hall from the coach who just got fired. Found guilty of several felony counts by a jury of peers and then sentenced to the job.
OK, so at least one of those might be something of a minor stretch.
Let us begin. Flak jackets are voluntary.
Dave Wannstedt took over from Johnson not because of ability, but for carrying JJ’s water in the Dallas and University of Miami days. Four seasons. Ray Lucas & Brian Griese at QB. RIcky Williams acting the dope while using dope over and over again. One playoff win.
Jim Bates. 7 games following Wannstedt’s resignation with a 1-8 mark on the year. He carved out 3-4. Team shows promise, yet bagged because he wasn’t a big enough name.
Nick Saban was the “big name” choice. Two seasons plus. 15 victories. No playoff time. Lied thru his teeth so many times about not wanting nor ever taking the Alabama job he set a new standard for sports duplicity. But he gets some props for leaving a DOA franchise still under the helm of Huizenga, who one might think could learn a lesson or two from a quintet of debacles.
Nope.
Cam Cameron actually had some chops coming from San Diego and was thought to be a good choice by the so-called experts. One season. One victory. The “Black Hole Of South Florida” grows ever deeper.
A hole filled with enough muck and mire to attract a Tuna. And what in retrospect remains one of the best, if not the finest, example of franchise demolition ever orchestrated and executed by a man who had zero business being given the keys to anything but a golf cart.
If the Miami Dolphins were a sad sack band of losers before he arrived, Bill Parcells managed to turn up the heat and baste them in their recent historical stew of incredibly bad personnel decisions to a degree no one could have ever conceived.
For those who might still want to give him chops for the rebounding season of 2008 and Miami’s great stretch run, let’s air out some truth here before you get too excited.
In a 10 game stretch the Dolphins went 9-1. Their only loss was by 20 points to New England. In the other 9 games, they defeated one team that would finish the season with a winning record, the NY Jets. Every other win, save for the 8-8 Broncos, was to teams the likes of the Rams (2 wins), the Chiefs (2 wins), the Seahawks (4 wins), and the Raiders (5 wins).
Hey, even a blind dolphin finds a mullet to chew on every now and then.
Since then it’s been brutal drafts and staggeringly clueless free agent signings, another bout of Ricky Williams, Chad Pennington, Chad Henne, Tony Sparano’s dizzying on-field mismanagement, Parcells’ skulking away having driven the franchise into the ground, and Huzienga fleeing after having decided he was bored with the toy and being lucky enough to find a sucker in current owner Stephen Ross.
As owner, Ross has managed to assume the mantle of rich man with a plaything. His finest accomplishments have included bringing in Fergie from “The Black Eyes Peas” as a limited partner (and allowing her to insure all vermin were eradicated from the Stadium thanks to her screeching of the National Anthem, using sound to crush the life from their bodies), honoring Tim Tebow and the Florida Gators Championship team at a home game just in time for Tebow to be deified for leading a miracle comeback against a Dolphins 4Q dump, and overseeing the complete and final destruction of a once-proud franchise by insuring they were winless as of this writing.
For a seasoned and well respected coach the likes of Gruden, Cowher or any other suspect to knowingly follow in this wake of Miami morass would be similar being Captain of “Titanic 2” with the understanding a homing device was attached to the bow. One that was dedicated to finding and coming into contact with large bodies of solid water lurking anywhere with 100 miles.
The Miami Dolphins franchise is a nightmare wrapped inside a disaster and enveloped by disappointment. Fans of this team deserve much more than the chaotic manner in which this franchise is being managed. Much more than the larcenous manner in which their cash is being gleefully accepted knowing that no matter how embarrassing the situation becomes, they’ll always come back with open wallets when, and if, the winning ever returns.
Until this bumbling ownership decides they understand the sacrifice and dedication it takes to create a competitive team, much less a champion, fans would be well served to stay home and don’t waste their good faith or paychecks. Neither shows any sign of being rewarded.
Respected and intelligent coaches should follow suit. And there’s no reason to believe they won’t.
Because at this stage in Miami Dolphins franchise history, no one wants to sleep with the fishes.
(Ed Berliner began his broadcasting career covering the Miami Dolphins and sincerely hopes they can recover from their nightmare. Until that time, he doubts he'll ever get another Press Pass to a game. He also recommends fans of the Dolphins and the NFL check out the stories and links now playing at http://profootballmasters.com)
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