Metal opinion: A letter from the music industry

Dear [METAL BAND NAME] -
Thank you for your submission! We were impressed by your band and would be interested in working with you. In order for that to happen, however, we have a number of recommendations for your group:

1) We have some issues with your sound. It is far too distinct and niche-oriented. You guys don't have enough diversity in your influences. Death metal is a fine basis, but for you to be marketable we need to hear more heavy metal tinged with Norwegian black metal crossed with Swedish death n' roll. If you could throw in some additional stoner doom and “-core” elements, that would be great! Also, please make the death metal part of the music more melodic.

2) As you know, all of our bands make it onto the cover of Revolver magazine because we effectively fund its publication with our full-page ads. That will inevitably include you as well, so you guys need haircuts. Long bangs are still popular, as are shaved heads (please include a huge beard in this instance), and shoulder length hair – you want to keep at least one member with relatively long hair to please the heavier set. Mustaches are ok as long as they are worn ironically. Also, multiple members should start wearing obtrusive glasses, even if they don't need them.

3) The leather pants and gauntlets are not going to make it. Please see our attached list of acceptable outfits from Old Navy. Band shirts are still fine, of course, but we ask that you only wear shirts from bands that formed no earlier than 2006. Please note that cargo pants will be required by at least two members! Pre-stressed jeans are an acceptable alternative.

4) Any chance of recruiting a female member? This isn't mandatory, but be advised it will help sales. She doesn't have to be particularly good looking. We've got a team of top-notch graphic artists for that.

5) Your band name will have to be changed as soon as possible. It is too pointedly Satanic and might offend people. Try to devise a name that seems threatening on first impression but doesn't actually mean anything. Contact Debbie at our marketing office if you would like to access our word bank for ideas.

6) Once we get you up and running, you'll want to pick a color scheme for the band. Please refer to the included color swatch samples. This scheme will be used for all your shirts and album artwork, so make sure to choose carefully! We usually recommend midnight blue or fuchsia. It's your call.

7) You may have heard that our label inflates sales numbers by counting promotional copies and iTunes downloads along with CD sales. Most people naively think that we're still talking about CDs when we publish those numbers, which looks far more impressive. Either way, don't worry about it. Everyone does it.

8) Could you please make overt drug use part of your lyrics and presentation? We don't care if you actually do them. Cocaine is trendy again, and it makes a band seem more edgy. We ask that you avoid heroin references, as it will attract an audience incompatible with our current marketing package.

9) Per the point above, if you can make it seem like you're involved in nebulous criminal activity, please do. Mystique is everything. However, don't engage in hate crimes or sexual assault as this can affect sales unfavorably.

10) Be sure to prepare a list of strictly non-metal bands to talk about in interviews. A lot of bands don't do this in advance, and they get caught blathering about something obvious like Slayer in the first round of press. It's important to show your fans how open-minded and unconventional you are. Don't forget to slip Judas Priest in there for extra credibility! How about citing some Motown artists? That's definitely an untapped well.

Please contact us as soon as these changes are implemented. We think the band has excellent potential, and we look forward to working with you!
Sincerely,
The Music Industry