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Matchmaker Case Study:
Men Want Hot
In my role as a matchmaker with Perfect Search I have interviewed hundreds of women for my candidate pool. Many educated, career-oriented and successful women who perceive themselves as great catches wonder why they are still single. I have also interviewed hundreds of men and know that while men do want all of the above qualities, they also need to be sexually attracted to a woman. Men want hot. When men consider dating a woman, they are, in the definition of dating, thinking of her in a sexual way. Sexy and smart are not in opposition to each other, and the sooner women realize this, the sooner they will find their match. Women need to understand that a man won’t necessarily think she is a bimbo if he finds her hot. In fact, nothing is more powerful to a man than a smart woman who is also sexy.
There is a misconception that women need to shed their femininity in order to be respected by men. Men do want women who are intelligent, grounded, and powerful, but in the romance department, they want to feel the urge to merge. Why do women feel they need to be like men in order to be valued and respected? Women are not men, and men love us for not being men. It has been my experience that even the most feminist, enlightened man still wants to be sexually attracted to the woman he is dating.
Women in their late 30s and 40s were raised during the women’s movement. They grew up thinking that they needed to act like men to succeed. Their mothers were enlightened and didn’t want their daughters to grow up with the same sexist stigmas and restrictions that limited their life. They were determined to let their daughters work in any field and do whatever they wanted—without relying on men. Mothers taught their daughters to be independent and to wait for marriage and children. “Get your education, see the world. Live your life. You are the prize, my dear, men are disposable.” But the essential part of our history which created greater equality among the sexes, unfortunately, also encouraged women to act like men if they wanted to succeed. The women’s movement threw out the “baby with the bathwater,” so to speak. By imitating the masculine in order to be accepted, women tend to devalue the feminine. Many women who de-feminize themselves in their professions blur the line between work and romance.
I presented this concept to a woman I’ll call Ann and her friend, Tom, over coffee one day. As I sat with the two of them and discussed the social dynamic between women and men who were in their mid 30s and 40s, Tom smiled and nodded his head, “Yes, yes, yes. That is so true.” Turning to Ann, I saw the same face I always get when I discuss this with women in this age range. It was a look of utter disbelief, betrayal and offense.
“How sexist! Men really think that? Why should women be valued for their looks? Why should women be reduced to sex objects? Why do men like younger women? Why can’t men appreciate me for my intelligence?”
Ann was a 42-year-old accomplished businesswoman who graduated from MIT and went to grad school at Stanford. She was beautiful, fit, intelligent and grounded and had sadly come to the realization that she may never have children. She had waited too long. She had been serially monogamous in three 8-year relationships but hadn’t felt the need to commit herself to marriage and children when she was younger. After all, she was an educated woman who had her own money and looks. She wasn’t ready to be straddled with kids when she was in her 20s and 30s. However, after each of these relationships soured, she realized that at 40, trying to find a husband to father her future children was a whole different ballgame. The men didn’t treat her like they had ten years earlier. It was easy to get a young guy to sleep with, but they didn’t want a long-term relationship, and they certainly didn’t want to start having kids with a woman who was over 40.
Ann and Tom had been platonic friends for years. He was recently divorced, and she capitalized on his recent singlehood, thinking, “Why not he and I? We are both attractive. We are friends. We connect intellectually. We should be an item.” Tom however, was thinking he wanted a woman ten years younger than Ann. He was looking for a playful, sexual woman who was open-minded and spontaneous. Men like youth for all of those reasons. “Ann is great,” Tom thought. “She is beautiful and smart, but…she is like a guy.” Ouch! Poor Ann. It was such a terrible circumstance, and yet, so terribly common.
If Ann wanted a shot at Tom, she needed to understand that guys like Tom have options, and guys like Tom want Ms. Right, and Ms. Right isn’t, well…a 40-year-old woman who still wants to have kids. At the age of 40, if Ann wants to land a guy like Tom, she is going to have to embrace her inner sex kitten, while simultaneously knocking him out with her witty wisdom and vast experience. Yes, men do value women for their looks, but that doesn’t mean that he is reducing her to a sex object. Ann needed to understand that men are visual. Not only do they appreciate women for their intelligence, but also for their beauty and let’s face it, their body. Men want women who are powerful, intelligent, grounded and beautiful. They want all of those qualities. But they also want hot.
For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com
Comments
10 years ago ann would have turn down jeff, now at 40 jeff is all of a sudden good for her?, but its too late. It is reel simple with dating: age 33 and below women have the advantage above 33 the tables turn and men have the advantage: men in their mid 30s or above are more mature and are more financial stable;(which is very attractive to younger women) while a woman at this age( some still very attractive) biological clock is about up. My suggestion to ann, date an older man than her, a "mr big". dating is a game, and women can not change the rules at 40
Well guess what? We women want a good looking guy too and an awful lot of the single ones in the 40+10=50 range - aren't. > Many seem to figure that if they have money they don't need to dress nice or put in any effort. An undesirable man doesn't inspire much of a 'sex kitten' side.
I like the Ann and Tom story. It sounds a lot like the advice my friend, Amy Andersen, who is a well known matchmaker amongst a high caliber younger demographic gives to her female clients. I puzzles me that a woman who is mid 40's thinks she can have babies. MAybe she can, most likely she won't. Lucky for me I focused on finding a good guy when I was early 30's and got married at 32 to find myself pregnant with a honeymoon baby!
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