Some sobering news, Apocalypse fans...
In the fun-crushing spirit of his people, a stern, hard-working German researcher has suggested that December 21st, 2012 may not be the End of Days after all.
Sven Gronemeyer, a no-nonsense fixture of Australia's La Trobe University, recently presented his personal decoding of the infamous Tortuguero tablet - the 'smoking gun' of the 2012 Doomsday movement.
The Tortuguero artifact prophesizes the return of Mayan god of war and creation - and long-time Apocalypse-aficionado darling - Bolon Yokte. Countless death-hungry paranoids have linked this hieroglyph-based prophecy to the charming theory that Yokte's 'return' will bring about the total destruction of the Earth... and, screw it, probably the Universe, too.
If you believe the hype, when the current Long Count calendar winds down - in just over a year from now - it's curtains, people. Last call. Mass extinction time.
Evidently, though, cool-headed Gronemeyer doesn't subscribe to this fatalistic notion. According to his findings, champions of the apocalyptic interpretation are dead wrong. Yokte's triumphant return most likely heralds the start of a new era - not The Big Planet-Wide Sleep.
Gronemeyer's statement comes just a week and change after Mexico's National Institute of Anthropology and History announced the discovery of the Comalco Brick. The Brick, inscribed with a possible reference to December 2012, was found at the Mayan Comalco ruins - in the same neighborhood as Tortuguero. The dedicated party-poopers at the Institute have long maintained that the Tortuguero tablet does not in fact predict the planet's untimely end. Gronemeyer's announcement should serve to put a few more feathers in their smug little caps.
Of course, these learned, dedicated scientists and researchers could be wrong. Stranger things have happened. But not that much stranger.
This is all just crushing news for my fellow holocaust harbingers. I'm sure there'll be a few sleepless nights in the future for these proud paranoids, now that we know there's a pretty good chance that the world will not be plunged into eternal darkness come next December.
Shucks. Better luck next Apocalypse, right?
There are now only 381 days until the End of the World (fingers crossed!)
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