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Mascaras gone wild, and wrong


There’s nothing like a good mascara. Ever since the wand & tube applicator was conceived by Max Factor, every minor and major cosmetic company has tried to enhance, improve, and now even ridicule it. Some things are better left alone.The following fit under my “Are you kidding me with this?” category:

Estée Lauder 'Turbolash' All Effects Motion Mascara™ ($32) Described as “turbo-charged motion mascara with auto-powered, vibrating brush.” The brush wags back and forth because you must be incapable of doing it for yourself.

Lancôme Ôscillation Vibrating. Infinite. Powermascara ($34)

Seriously, that’s the name. Same deal as Lauder’s mascara, but this one totes “7,000 oscillations per minute that wraps the lash up to 360 º.” I don’t know if I want something going this fast near my eye. But that’s just me.

Spinlash (2 for $20)

This is the one you’ve probably seen advertised on TV. You know, the one wear they say “false lashes look fake”, yet every single model shown has false lashes on? And of course they don’t allow you to hear the helicopter motor sound when you turn the thing on. The brush rotates 360 degrees. Whoopee!

This one’s just bizarre: Givenchy Phenomen'Eyes Mascara ($28) “Has a high-tech, patented round sphere at the tip of the precision wand that reaches every lash and adapts to all eye shapes.” I know there’s a difference in eye shapes; I just didn’t realize that the aliens had landed. About 85% of my clients are “flinchers” – they flail, blink, and squint when I come within a foot of their face with a mascara wand. How in the world would they feel if I whipped this out? I’d have to carry heart pills in my kit.

There are a few things wrong here. First, what’s up with the names? Especially Lancôme’s. By the time I told the girl at the counter what I’m looking for her shift would be over. Second, the prices. If you have the money to replace these every 2 months (as you should with mascara), let’s talk. I have some better investment suggestions – like go feed a hungry family. Third – have we gotten this lazy? Or do these companies just think we're this lazy?  We’re already not able to brush our teeth for ourselves. Now we can’t wiggle a damn wand back and forth for 5 seconds? What’s next – a lip gloss applicator that moves back and forth like a windshield wiper? Or maybe a toilet paper roll that….never mind. Hmmmmm…I have to call the US patent office.

Coming Soon: Some great drugstore mascara suggestions!



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  • Melissa 6 years ago

    You always say what I am thinking!! Seriously, who buys this stuff?? Let's hope no one reading this huh?? Again, a great article with Cynthia added humor :)

  • Shell 6 years ago

    Great article! I have a hard enough time keeping my wrist straight putting "manual" mascara on.

  • Bev 6 years ago

    Great article with lots of laughs. You seem to know what we are all thinking!Great job on all your articles really enjoy reading them