Marry a woman with real self esteem

Real self esteem

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The 1970s revolutionized the way in which we raised children, as evidenced in Dorothy Brigg's book, Your Child's Self Esteem".  It was an abrupt departure from the 1960's "Mad Men"  era, where children were to be seen and not heard. Building your child's self-esteem meant teaching them that they were valuable with their thoughts and place in the world, and were special and unique with all-important needs. But like many social phenomena, the pendulum swung so far from the 'seen and not heard' direction to the 'you are number one' direction that a society of self-involved, self-indulgent, people with too much self-importance was created. We've all met the princess who thinks the world, and everyone on it, should bow to orbit her needs. And we’ve all met the self-entitled goddess who makes everyone else wait for her because her demands are not being met precisely as she sees fit.

True self-esteem is not self-importance, but is more aptly defined as someone who is flexible and has the ability to preserve harmony and dignity under conditions of stress. They are in a friendly relationship to facts and can acknowledge mistakes because their self-image is not tied to one of perfection.

A woman who walks into a room with an air of importance begs for others to treat her as such, and strangely, subjects unintentionally fall to service her in her self-proclaimed significance. Unaware we are even doing it, we jump to her every whim. The self-absorbed prom queen has us all believing that she is more relevant than everyone else, and we actually believe it. Is this really the woman a man wants to marry? Servicing a queen can get pretty tiring after a while. If a man wants to be treated as a king, his servitude is not conducive.

For example, if you take two women on vacation and one has real self-esteem and the other has high self-importance, the one with real self-esteem will not express a strong need to sleep in one bed versus another or eat at one restaurant versus the other because she doesn't think her needs are more important than the other vacationers. The woman with high self-importance, however, will be very adamant about where, and for how long, she wants to sit, eat, lounge, sleep, walk and dress, and her feet will hurt, her eyes will water, her stomach will ache, and everyone around her will be required to attend to her discomfort and wait for her as she dictates when the party will proceed from one event to the next. She is entitled to it. It is her birthright. She has been told her whole life that she is number one and all-important, and she has been told that she has great self-esteem.

In the long run, men want a partner who is willing to compromise her needs to benefit the partnership—not herself. A marriage requires surrender and accommodation, and spouses need to adjust to the demands and needs of both partners. It shouldn’t be a contest with someone who dissents and quarrels because they are rigid in their requirements. A person with high self-importance can be a turn on at first, but marrying someone with real self-esteem makes for a happier marriage.

For more information, contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com