There are many things that tear a marriage down, and in our society based on instant gratification, it’s easy to burn our relationships to the ground because we know there is another one out there to be had. Avoiding the obvious like hitting and cheating (because if you don’t already know those are marriage killers, you need more than an article to help spark your love life), here are five pitfalls for men to avoid:
1. Ignore-We know you don’t want to be our girlfriends…or at least we hope you don’t. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to hear about everything going on in our lives, but please, don’t ignore us. If you’re having a hard time focusing on your task, say something like, “Baby, I know this is super important to you right now so I want to give you my full attention. Can we table it for a few while I finish this email to my boss?” Just like that, you showed that you respect your wife’s feelings as well as asked for her to respect you in a non-aggressive way. Women hate being ignored as if they aren’t there. It’s a self-esteem killer as well as resentment builder.
2. Mr. Fix-It-Don’t try to fix everything. Recognize the difference between when your wife wants you to just listen, or if it’s really something she needs help with. If you’re confused about the content, it’s okay to get clarification. “Baby, I feel like I want to fix this for you, but I think you might just want me to be listening right now, is that right?” See? You swooped in and said I want to make this better, showing love and protection, then asked if she needs a solution or an ear. Over time, it will be easier to tell the difference, and she may even begin by telling you, “Honey, I need to talk to you, and I just need you to listen.”
3. One of the guys-Your wife is not one of the guys. She never will be one of the guys. She is a girl, so when you go to do things together you have to do them together not just next to each other. Very few women want an Xbox or a rifle for their birthday. Learn what she is into. Study her. Make sure she really wants to go to the shooting range before you buy her a pistol for Christmas. Make sure baseball games aren’t torturous before you invest in season tickets for your anniversary. Don’t assume she’ll like something just because you do.
4. Failure to communicate-Bob and Fran are married. Fran has been under a lot of stress at work because it’s year end and she’s the office manager of a small company. The kids are all in sports, and it’s all she can do to get through the month without freaking out and driving off a cliff. Bob is feeling like his needs are being neglected because in men this happens fast, and even though he’s doing his best to give Fran space to deal with her stressful time, but it’s hard to come home to a house that feels empty and cold. Fran is so tired she even has been forgetting to kiss Bob goodnight. Instead of talking to Fran about his feelings, he lets the loneliness build into tension then to resentment. Because of this, Bob starts making negative comments and neglecting things on purpose to get back at Fran for not keeping her end of the bargain up. See what’s wrong here? Fran isn’t trying to neglect her husband on purpose, but sometimes stress can make your world shrink to a pinhole. Women count on our husbands to let us lean on them as well as make sure we are aware of needs that aren’t being met.
5. Control your gaze-If you are walking down the street with your wife, she is going to notice every butt you look at, every sales girl’s shirt you peek down as she rings you up, and every flirtatious comment made to a person of the opposite sex. It may not be cheating, but it’s a serious self-esteem killer. If you respect your wife at all, you will control your gaze and show her that you only have eyes for her. No one buys that line about God making women nice to look at for a reason. It won’t work, so don’t even bother unless making your wife severely depressed sounds like a great idea to you, in which case, you need professional help.
There are far many more pitfalls than listed above, but I find that working on too many at once can become overwhelming. Practice these for a while and before you know it, you’ll be a pro at them and ready to work on something else.
Husbands, I have a challenge for you. Do you know your wife’s favorite song, band, movie, car, food, restaurant, coffee creamer flavor, and color? If you don’t, spend the week learning what they are without asking directly. It will inspire conversation that will renew her spark in you. When you have the answers, memorize them and start planning your anniversary gift now based around her favorite things. It can be as simple as renting her favorite movie, giving her a new blanket and flowers in her favorite color while eating take-out from her favorite restaurant, or as extravagant as renting an exotic car from Orbitz in Portland to take her out to eat at the Ringside followed by tickets to her favorite band live at the Rose Garden after which you end up at the Hilton where you can snuggle up and watch her favorite movie on DVD with her favorite coffee creamer waiting to be used in the morning. Creativity is key when planning for y our wife.
Trust me, you’re gonna love it!
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