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Marriage is the new black

The most important part of the the wedding
The most important part of the the wedding
Photo by Joe Scarnici

Why do we have to get married? What’s the actual point? Is it because we don’t want to die alone or is it because we have been conditioned to believe those are the steps to happiness? Like if you don’t follow those steps you may magically fall off the face of the earth never to be seen again. Once a New Zealander asked if I believed in the American Dream, after giving what was assumed to be the most philosophical speech ever, he asked me and my friend,

“Did you graduate high school and go to college?” “Yes.”

“Do you own a house?” “Yes.”

“Then you believe in it.”

Stunned look. Thinking back to that day made me wonder…have we been programmed?

There seems to be a pattern once you reach adulthood you are supposed to get a good job, find a mate, fall in love, get married and quickly have kids, in that exact order. If you don’t want those things or follow that pattern people consider you some sort of freak and do their best to stay away from you like you’re contagious or something. You can’t go on social media, read a magazine or watch TV without seeing something about finding the perfect mate; ladies snag the perfect husband; men, six signs she’s the marrying kind and my favorite, don’t be in the lonely ladies club or you will die. It doesn’t say that exactly but it’s insinuated.

Why can’t people just be? Why can’t people be happy with their current situation and stop longing for things that may or may not happen? The majority of people married secretly wish they never did it. On the outside they have the perfect Facebook marriage, their husband or wife are perfect and their kids do everything right and they send each other cute little message via social media so all the world can tell they are happy and in love. When you see them on the street they thrust their ring in your face and tell you how great things are, that is until you talk to them for more than five minutes then you hear the real story. The wives are drinking enough vodka to tranquilize a horse and the husband is still dating, probably more than he did when he was single. They all end up saying the same thing, if I knew then what I know now I would have never gotten married. Huh, really?

How many times have those words been uttered? A lot I assume by the divorce rate, it’s over 50 percent if you are wondering. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally against people getting married, I know it’s hard to tell by my earlier statements, I probably sound bitter. Don’t be alarmed, I’m not bitter I just want people to stop romanticizing marriage and what being married means. Marrying someone will not make you whole, you have to be whole prior, it won’t magically make you happy, you have to be happy prior and it won’t fix your failing or flailing relationship, it will actually make those issues bigger.

Marriage is not a next step thing, it’s not a well it’s time I get married thing and it’s not a rite of passage. Marriage should be about two people making a conscious decision to be together and work out whatever issues that will surely come up. You shouldn’t have to give someone an ultimatum to marry you, like really, either you marry me or else, why would you want to strong arm someone in to marrying you? Just getting married won’t make you love yourself…MARRYING SOMEONE WILL NOT MAKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF. I felt I needed to repeat that statement. You have to love yourself first. Going in to any kind of relationship broken is setting yourself up for disaster.

Love has to start from within, just think, if you don’t love you how will anyone else love you? Look for ways to make yourself happy.

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