My husband and I have been married for 16 years, have two children (15 & 8), and he has been having an affair for 18 months. This is his third with the same woman. He wants to save/fix our marriage. Except for my kids, I’m having trouble looking for ways to reconcile to repair/save this marriage.
Lisa’s Marriage Advice:
That sounds awful, I’m really sorry you’re going through that. I can understand why you’d be beside yourself with the recurring nature of his infidelity – and with the same woman. I always say that infidelity can be worked through. But certain elements really need to be present for the best possible outcome.
- Willingness to cease the affair.
- Sincere remorse and desire to heal the marriage.
- Willingness to do the repair work of the serious breach in attachment that was committed (rebuild trust).
I don’t know if throughout any of this you’ve sought marriage counseling but I highly recommend it. If you have sought counseling and he’s promised not to do it again, has pledged his faithfulness to you and the family – yet continues to do it – that’s another story. Seek the support of your friends and family for advice, look inside, observe the impact of all of this on your kids…do a cost-benefit analysis of the various options you have.
A good book on the subject that looks at both sides of the coin with infidelity is “After the Affair”by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD. If you want to learn more about the work of infidelity recovery that’s a great resource.
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Lisa Brookes Kift, is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Larkspur, Marin County, CA. Learn more about her services by visiting MarinTherapyandCounseling.com.
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