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Marital dynamics, where does it come from?

Why do we behave this way!
Why do we behave this way!
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When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you experience trauma and pain from your parents' or other family member’s actions, words, and attitudes. Because of this trauma you experienced, you grew up changed, different from other children, missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare you for adulthood, missing parts of your childhood when you were forced into unnatural roles within your family.

For some of you, it has led you to attempt to flee the pain of your past by alcohol or drug use. Others of you feel inexplicably compelled to repeat the abuses that were done to you in your own children or with your own spouse. Others of you have felt inner anxiety or rage, and don't know why you feel as you do. You were innocent, and your life was changed dramatically by forces in your family you had no control over, and now you are an adult survivor of that trauma.

Again, as a child you may have been forced into assuming an unnatural role. The fall out can be catastrophic because the role is so ingrained and second nature that, once you’re an adult and married, the traits of this role can manifest. A dysfunctional family is one in which the relationships between the parents and children are strained and unnatural.

This is usually because one of the family members has a serious problem that impacts every other member of the family, and each member of the family feels constrained to adapt atypical roles within the family to allow the family as a whole to survive. Usually the means or skills used to create some appearance of harmony within the family are unhealthy and create some codependent or enabling issues.

The flip side of that scenario could be just the opposite. Someone who grew up in a seemingly out of control home may grow up to be the “need to be in control” controlling spouse. In the desire to not be the mirror image of their parents’ marriage, some spouses may feel the compulsion to keep everything under control. Either way you can see how this baggage can formulate the dynamics in a marriage today. The childhood dynamics of being raised in a poor home has been the fuel for the fire to be as successful and wealthy as possible.

But even then, families have split because of the workaholic who is running so hard and fast from his childhood that they lose focus on the spouse and children they now have. Quick question, what are your marital dynamics telling you now? There are many roles that can be taken on by a member of a dysfunctional family. But let’s look at the “Lost child” role, which you can research them all anywhere on the internet, because it has several traits that can absolutely be carried into a marriage later in life. And probably has for many of you.

The Lost Child role is characterized by shyness, solitariness, and isolation. Inwardly, he or she feels like an outsider in the family, ignored by parents and siblings, and feels lonely. The Lost Child seeks the privacy of his or her own company to be away from the family chaos, and may have a rich fantasy life, into which he or she withdraws.

The Lost Child often has poor communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships, and may have confusion or conflicts about his or her sexual identity and functioning, all areas that effect marriages today. Lost Children may attempt to self-nurture by overeating, leading to problems with obesity, or to drown their sorrows in alcohol or drug use. The solitude of a Lost Child may be conducive to the development of his or her spirituality and creative mental pursuits, if low self-esteem does not shut down all efforts at achievement.

The Lost Child often has few friendships, and commonly has difficulty finding a marriage partner, or more devastating, despite not have any relationship skills…marry anyway. Instead, he or she may attempt to find comfort in his or her material possessions, or a pet. This pattern of escape may also lead him or her to avoid seeking professional help, and so may remain stuck in his or her social isolation. Question, do any of these characteristics reflect what your marriage looks like today?

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