Well, it's that time again.
If you are a regular reader and loyal follower of my column, you already know that after every five-to-seven articles, I tend to feature responses I receive from my male and female readers. Usually I receive these responses either from my personal Email address (firstname.lastname@example.org), or via my Facebook inbox.
Per usual, I generally only highlight those responses from readers that fall into one of these three categories:
- A response that is representative of a strong disagreement to one or more of the opinions I expressed in a previous article;
- A response that is representative of a very strong agreement to one or more of the opinions I expressed in a previous article;
- A desire for further clarification and understanding to something I expressed or asserted in a previous article.
[Note: Also per usual, all first names have been changed for the sake of anonymity, and many questions and/or comments may have been edited, condensed or paraphrased to some degree in order to either save space or correct spelling and grammatical errors]
Email feedback in response to my article, "Many women have a talent for reading a man's mind even before he opens his mouth"
From Delores Y.:
"I am one of your Facebook friends, and this is the third or fourth Examiner.com article I have read of yours. Initially, I took this most recent article of yours to be totally serious!! Then I quickly realized it was dripping with satire and sarcasm. LOL.
When I am in a purely social setting, and a man approaches me, I naturally assume that he wants to have sex with me at some point. Whether it be that same day he approached me, a week later, a month later, or beyond.
Related to your point in the article, I usually have no idea during my very first conversation with a man if his interest is in long-term sex vs. short-term sex, or monogamous sex vs. non-monogamous sex. If that is important enough to me, I tend to ask a guy, 'What type of relationship are you looking for? Serious or casual?'
Even though I agreed with a lot of your points in the article, I am not so sure I would want a man to make his interest in having sex with me known too overtly, too quickly, or too bluntly. That would potentially turn me off. I would want him to be more subtle about expressing his sexual interests. You seem to be more in favor of the straightforward, extremely candid means of letting a woman know your sexual desires and interests.
Can you explain to me why you think being overt and blunt works better than being subtle and tactful? Curious."
Alan's response: My apologies for going immediately into "sales and marketing mode," but I would recommend that you take time to read at least two of my books: Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking, and my most recent eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly. These two books will explain my thoughts in a very lengthy and detailed manner.
The short version? Delores, let's say you were a stripper. And your objective was to get as many men to agree to a lap dance with you within the time frame of your given shift (let's say, 7pm - 1am). How would you approach each man seated or standing in that strip club? How quickly and straightforwardly would you express to these men that you wanted them to agree to a lap dance? What is the longest you would converse with a man before you let him know that your primary reason for talking to him was to get him to agree to a lap dance with you?
Similarly, let's say you had two male platonic friends. One named "Brian" and the other named "Daniel." You were fond of both. You know both of these guys were sincerely in the market for their next girlfriend and future wife. Got that? Okay good. Now ... let's say you have two female acquaintances that you know just love to 'tease' men, toy with men, engage in 'head games' with men, and try to get a free meal, a free movie, or a free concert ticket from a man if they can.
You soon overheard one of these women talking to Brian, and the other talking to Daniel, and both women were giving these two men the misleading impression that they were genuinely interested in being in a long-term relationship with these men, when you know full well that they just want to play with these guys, and maybe get the guys to treat them to lunch or dinner soon. As their friend, would you just stand by and let those conversations unfold? Not saying anything?
The first scenario relates to why I wrote Mode One, and the second scenario relates to why I wrote The Possibility of Sex. My book Mode One essentially asks the (male) reader the question, "How long should you wait before letting a woman know what your true desires, interests and intentions are ... especially if both time and money are a factor in the equation?" Similarly, The Possibility of Sex asks the reader the question, "How do you go about distinguishing the women who are genuinely interested in you romantically and sexually vs. those women who are simply 'pretending' to be interested in you in order to motivate you to provide them with flattering attention and/or spend money on them?"
Once you marinate on those questions I posed to you, and even more importantly, you have read my books very thoroughly, you will clearly understand why I prefer to verbally communicate my desires and interests to women in the manner that I do. Mode One Baby. Make it happen.
Email feedback in response to my article, "Men and women have vastly different attitudes toward casual sex and platonic friendship"
From Renee W.:
"Very few women I know are totally down with casual sex. Many women settle for casual sex, but that is not really want they want. If a man is good in bed, and we are attracted to him, then we always want him as our long-term exclusive lover. Always. I have only had one-night stands with men who sucked in bed. I do know a few women who had casual sex with a guy who was married or already had a girlfriend, but deep-down, they wanted that guy to be their own (long-term) companion. Again, they 'settled' for casual sex. That was not their preference. I don't have any girlfriends who have said, 'Oooooh ... look at that stud over there! I just want to have ONE NIGHT with him, and then be done with him! Just ONE NIGHT!' That is more of a man's way of thinking. Women, generally speaking, don't think like that. If the d--- is good, we want it for a while. :)
As far as the platonic friend thing goes, I know that at least half of my male platonic friends want to get in my pants. I know that. I just try to act like that desire does not exist. Alan, admit it. You have a thing against platonic friendships between men and women. I really get the impression that you just don't like them. And your 'tiers'?? Wow. Amusing. Of course, women and men alike are too multifarious to capture their respective tendencies, behaviors, or perspectives with one broad stroke (generalizations can be unhelpful, but difficult to avoid), but I personally took issue with your description of the women's 'tiers.' I cannot say that I agreed with them."
Alan's response: I cannot agree with you that all women, or even the vast majority of women, just "settle" for short-term and/or non-monogamous sex. I know many women who are open to engaging in a one-night stand, a weekend fling, or some other variation of casual sex. They simply were not looking for a husband, a boyfriend, or even a very long-term "sex buddy."
That being said, I do think your comments validly represent a good number of women. I even tell men, "If having nothing more than a one-night stand was your choice, then that is okay. If it was the woman's choice not to have a second episode, then nine times out of ten, she perceived you as not being very good in bed." I agree with you that if a woman thinks a guy is enjoyable and satisfying in bed, she is going to want to have sex with him for more than just one night or one weekend.
Very few friendships between men and women that are categorized as "platonic" are genuinely platonic. I stand by everything I said in the article. Again, if you want to know if your friendship is truly 'platonic' with a man, invite him to have no-strings attached sex with you 2-3 times per month, every month (even if you don't really mean it and just want to see what he is going to say). That male "friend" is either going to a) immediately say "yes, let's do this!" b) he is going to go into a long soliloquy about how he values you as a friend - blah, blah, blah - but when it comes down to it, he's going to say, "yes, let's do this!" or c) he's going to say, "Ewwwwwwww. That's like thinking about having sex with my sister. Gross." Only the one who answers "c" is your true platonic friend for life.
Email feedback in response to my article, "The social programming of women often leaves many men feeling confused and frustrated"
From Pierre R.:
"Great article Alan. I agree with everything you said. Women always treat men like we are supposed to assume that all women are just alike.
Like you said, you can approach some women with an X-rated conversation, and they will get turned on by that, and you can approach a different group of women with the same type of conversation, and they would get turned off by your sexual candor.
You're right. It is usually a man's mother that encourages him to be a nice guy and a gentleman. Rarely is it the man's father. At least, not my father. Sadly, my father did not give me much advice at all with women (which is what led me to your books!) I think he just assumed I would figure out for myself what was the best way to approach women and interact with them.
My mother on the other hand always offered me what she felt was good advice. You know, the usual 'be nice, be polite, buy women flowers, treat them to dinner, blah, blah, blah.' Her advice led me straight into a woman's friend zone more than a few times.
Keep giving real world advice Alan. I very much appreciate your articles."
Alan's response: Thank you Pierre. I read this book recently entitled, 10 Mistakes Men Make with Women and How to Avoid Them, which was written by a former guest from my talk radio podcast program, Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie. Her name is Marni Kinrys. There were a lot of comments and opinions Marni had in her book that I disagreed with, but there was one comment that I agreed with 100%. In her book, Kinrys said, "There is no one 'right' thing to say to a woman. You just have to say whatever it is that you really want to say to women. Line up 10 guys in front of me, all saying the exact same thing and guaranteed, I will feel a different reaction to each of them. Some I’ll love, some I’ll hate and some will creep me out. It’s not about what you say; it’s about the man who says it. That's just how women are."
I totally agree. I can name times when I approached a woman, and said something that I felt was "innocent" and "conventional," only to receive a negative response or no response at all. Then, other times, I can think of instances where I approached a woman, and said something really bold, provocatively straightforward, and erotically explicit, and had that woman smiling and ready to enthusiastically engage me in conversation.
A man can say the same exact comment to five different women, and conceivably get five different responses, depending on the woman's level of attraction to that man, their mood, their past experiences with men, their expectations, their personal values, and their social programming and cultural conditioning. You just never know.
I always say, "Never tell a woman what you think she 'wants to hear' .... tell a woman what you want her to know."
Email feedback in response to my article, "Women, sex, and erotic submission: Does 'no' always mean 'no'? Actually ... no."
From Lynette A.:
"I really, really, really enjoyed your article Sir! I have to confess, your article described me to a tee Sir!
I am an intelligent, educated woman who is financially self-sufficient and successful in my career. Many men tend to perceive me as 'intimidating' and very 'independent,' but the truth of the matter is, I love to be dominated by men in bed. Absolutely love it!!
When it comes to sex, I am a total 'sub' or 'bottom' as you described in your article. The thing is, I do not like to tell men that (well, I am telling you now! So, you know Sir). I love for men to just 'bring that side out me' without having prior knowledge that I am a sub.
I think what you and other authors and dating experts need to explain to women (and particularly, women of color) is that there is a big difference between being a sub and being a man's personal doormat and object of abuse. Those are two totally different concepts. I really believe many women want to reveal their erotically submissive side to men of interest, but they are afraid of being mentally, emotionally, and physically abused.
I thought your article was very well-written in pointing out that the issue of trust is huge. Thank you Sir for your wisdom!"
Alan's response: After that article, I received about two dozen responses from female readers lightheartedly referring to me as 'Sir,' and I won't lie ... I loved it. I cannot reiterate enough to men the point you bring up, and what I already emphasized in my article, which is that there is a huge difference between being "erotically dominant" and being just flat-out "abusive." The former is enjoyable for both parties involved, while the latter will lead to all sorts of regrettable repercussions and consequences.
You are right about sistahs (and even some Latin women, Caucasian women, and Asian women). Many women resist the idea of being "submissive" to a man. Not all of their reluctance is related to a fear of abuse. Some of it is just pure egotistical pride. Every woman has their own choice. I will simply say this: I have never known a woman with a history of erotically submissive behavior that ever had a hard time attracting and maintaining male companionship. Men are attracted to erotically submissive women the way house flies are attracted to you-know-what. Enough said.
Email feedback in response to my article, "Mastering the Art of Asking Questions is the #1 key to getting to know someone"
From Terrell D.:
"I hate to say this Alan, but many times, I feel like I have slowly but surely become a misogynist, or I am on my way toward that state of mind.
I am really sick and tired of the women I am meeting. Like your article said, when I meet women, and I ask them questions that I think are relevant to getting to know them, they will say, 'I don't know you well enough to answer that question.' Well, how in the hell am I supposed to get to know these women if they refuse to answer my questions?
So many women will say, 'I want a man to take time to get to know me,' but then all they want to do, as you mentioned in your article, is talk about stupid stuff like a recent movie they saw or what type of shoes they like. Stuff I could care less about.
I am about to give up and throw in the towel. Any advice? Losing hope."
Alan's response: Short answer ... read all of my books. If I say so myself, my books have helped a lot of men improve their interpersonal communication skills with women. Second piece of advice would be, start socializing with a better pool of women. I get the impression that you are repeatedly going after the wrong women.
Women who have some degree of genuine romantic and sexual interest in you will open up to you fairly quickly about who they really are, and what they really want from you. The only women who will continue to talk about trivial, "stupid stuff," are women who I describe in my latest book as "Timewasters." Leave those types alone. Immediately.
Email feedback in response to my article, "What women should men avoid? Very few authors offer advice on this subject"
From Carol Ann S.:
"I have yet to purchase your new book because it seems targeted at men, but I did read the table of contents. I agree with most of the women you describe in Part Two of the book (i.e., the gold diggers, drama queens, liars and cheaters, etc.), but I disagree with your categorization of women as 'Timewasters' in Part One of the book.
All women love to be flattered! What is wrong with that? All women love to be entertained! What is so wrong with that? All women love nice gifts and a nice (free) dinner at a nice restaurant! What is wrong with that?
So are you suggesting that I should always tell a man soon after I meet him that I either definitely want to go to bed with him, or that I definitely do not want to go to bed with him? That is too black and white for me. My relationships with men are more organic than that. I take every new relationship with a man slowly, and as he reveals more about himself, I come to a conclusion of whether or not I am really interested in him romantically or not. What is wrong with that process?
Am I missing something? Maybe I need to actually read the book to be fairer in my judgment of your opinions."
Alan's response: Until October 31, 2012, my eBook is only $3.99! How dare you "debate" about buying it. That is a value meal at McDonald's. Yes, you need to thoroughly read my book to totally understand where I am coming from as far as my categorization of certain women as 'Timewasters.'
Look above, and read my response to "Delores." Particularly, the second scenario in my response to her. Then, you will get a better idea of why I have formed the strong opinions that I have.
There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting flattering attention from a man, but when you throw out sexually provocative and highly flirtatious signals to a man ... knowing deep-down that you have no real desire to be in a relationship with that man or have sex with that man .... then that is representative of being misleading and manipulative.
This is why you have men like "Terrell" (from above) developing bitter and resentful feelings toward women.
Have you ever had a man give you the impression that he wanted to be in a long-term monogamous "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship with you, but then, after you had sex with him for a few days or a few weeks, all of the sudden, you never heard from that man again? If you have experienced this, how did that make you feel? I bet you felt 'used,' misled, and played.
If not you, maybe your sister or one of your close girlfriends has experienced that scenario. Here is the thing about many men: In the same way women tend to feel 'used' when a man exclusively hooks up with them for sex, and nothing else, men tend to feel 'used' when women hook up with them for every reason BUT sex. This is one of the differences between the general mindset of many men and many women that I have identified, based on conversations over the years with members of both genders.
Just because you want to 'take your time to get to know someone' does not mean that one's sexual desires, interests, and intentions should not be discussed in the early stages of your interactions with a man. I have had instances where I met a woman in say, mid-to-late December, and we did not end up having sex for the first time until February, March or April. Even though we took time to get to know one another better, the woman still let me know early on that she was interested in having sex with me.
And if we move from long-term monogamous sex to short-term non-monogamous (casual) sex, how much do you really need to know about a man or woman? I mean, really. As I say in my book, I do not really need to spend days, weeks, or months "getting to know a woman" in order to come to a conclusion about whether or not I want to have sex with a woman. I only take time to get to know women to determine if they are worth spending time with non-sexually. I really only need about 5-15 minutes to determine if a woman is a prime candidate to have sex with.
Yes, my latest book is primarily for the fellas .... but you will enjoy it too 'Carol Ann.'
Well, folks, that is all for this edition of "Feedback from Readers." If you ever want to respond to my articles in a "non-public" manner, please write me at my Email address (above, at the beginning of the article) or via Facebook.
Whether you agree with my opinions, or often disagree, I always appreciate you reading my articles.
The new eBook by Book Author Alan Roger Currie is available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie's eBook on your iPhone, Android smartphone, or other smartphone. The eBook normally available for $7.99, but until October 31, 2012, you can purchase Currie's new eBook for only $3.99. If you are sign up for Amazon.com's PRIME membership, you can read Alan Roger Currie's new eBook for FREE. More details on Amazon.com
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program nationally in the category of "Romance" and dating & relationships on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details