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Making a zombie army stand out from other zombie armies

Over the centuries various zombie masters have attempted to give their army of undead a “signature look,” something that will make their zombies stand out from other zombies, something that will make them memorable. The techniques tried have included outfitting zombies with metal jaws and jetpacks, styling zombies’ hair in the same way, and mounting them on scooters.

None of these techniques are feasible. Let us examine them one at a time to determine where their relative flaws lie.

1. Outfitting zombies with metal jaws. While this seems like a good idea, it is in fact actually a very bad idea. Moreover, the reason it is a bad idea is the same reason so many zombie masters find it attractive. Think about it: The metal jaws remain intact while the rest of the zombie deteriorates. At first glance this would seem to make for an intimidating revenant of the grave, but closer examination reveals a waste of resources. If the rest of the zombie is unable to handle consumption of the flesh, the metal jaws are rendered useless and the master is left with a pile of necromantic flesh, undigested gore and rusted metal.

2. Outfitting zombies with jet packs. The reason this is a bad idea should be self-evident. While it would be cool to have a flying army of dead, zombies do not have even the minimum mental capacity needed to operate machinery of any sort. Also, fire is a zombie’s worst enemy. The army would likely incinerate itself in the sky. A zombie could also explode upon contact with some stationary object (such as the ground) due to its inability to steer.

3. Styling each zombie’s hair in a similar fashion. Again, the reason this is a bad idea comes back to wasting resources. One of a zombie master’s most valuable resources is time. Wasting it by giving every zombie a mullet when their scalps are going to rot away and ruin the look is unwise. Besides, the “weed-whacked” look is the most intimidating.

4. Mounting zombies on scooters. See number 2.

The only feasible option is to outfit the zombies in jumpsuits. The master should choose a color that speaks of necromantic destruction and have them mass produced in a sweat-shop. But a word to the wise: Don’t have the zombies remove the clothing they died in. Just have them put the jumpsuits on over it.

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