Like seeing a news segment about a guy who made a house out of beer cans, shoestrings and old fruit rollups, you're so fascinated at the thrown together ingenuity that after a while, you realize that just because you can recycle something doesn't make it good. The Robert Rodriguez directed "Machete", unfortunately, takes a macaroni necklace of a premise and tortures those onscreen and off.
The Mexplotiation masterpiece began as a two minute trailer of the B-movie homage that was Quentin Tarentino's Grindhouse. Machete is a former federale (Danny Trejo) who'd been "set up, double-crossed and left for dead." Trust me, that would put almost anyone in a bad mood. Three years after being well...left for dead, the homeless Machete is coerced by a corrupt political aid to take out a conservative Senator.
And therein lies the rub. In Macheteville, anglos are drunk with power and money, passing their time exploiting and of course murdering the always noble illegal immigrants and their cohorts. Filled with Minutemen clones led by Mr. Big (Don Johnson) and a right wing conservative Senator (Robert De Niro) who's not above shooting a pregnant woman crossing the border, "Machete" goes from B-movie to M (as in mistake) movie. Turning a marginal action film into a bad political statement film reminds us why vanity projects are best left to Netflix.
Rodriguez wallows in his faux drive-in exercise adding all the requisite ingredients from a brooding hero in Trejo complete with funny catchphrase "Machete don't text" to the mandatory hot chicks who can't help themselves but to fall for our stoic champion. The leading ladies Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and Lindsay Lohan hit all their marks, but hearing Alba proclaim lines like "We didn't cross the border. The border crossed us" is why this threesome won't be thanking the Academy anytime soon.
The little comic relief is more in the casting than the dialogue. Cheech Marin as the priest who happens to have joints the size of car doors couldn't be more tired. It's too bad Rodriguez didn't capitalize on the chemistry that Marin had with Nash Bridges co-star Don Johnson, but that would've risked the chance of the movie being watchable. Thank god that Johnson's latest lawsuit will give him the opportunity to say no to roles like this. Steven Seagal is at his bloated worst as the drug kingpin with an unforgivably bad accent. As a lawman, he should arrest himself for this role. The only crime greater than those done by Robert De Niro's character is De Niro being in this film. I'm hoping one day he blames this career choice on drugs, aliens, an owed favor, the economy, Congress..anything.
Rodriguez fans and B-movie fans may like the film nevertheless. It does have enough beheadings, explosions and Cinemax action to satisfy their needs with a splash of faux Lohan nudity thrown in (sorry guys, it's all cutaways and body doubles). "Machete" was a family affair and that's nothing to brag about. It was co-written by Rodriguez and his cousin and produced by his ex-wife. Not bad for a barbecue, but rarely good for a movie.
Machete - Running time: 95 mins. Rated R for bloody violence, language, sexual content and nudity). Released Nationwide
Comments
It looks very Tarantino to me...but then again, I'm not a big fan of his at all. Did I miss something...where was Lohan in the preview? Is she like Drew Barrymore in Scream or something?
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