I will never understand why love ever has to hurt? why we love so completely and give ourselves so totally to the that feeling that we get caught up in this euphoria that it will just always simply be. That our love will just simply go one forever and just when we think we are arriving at forever and things could not get any better we are quickly reminded that they can indeed get very worse, almost like a slap in our faces for letting our love make us cocky even though we were not trying to be cocky at all. Is it life's way of saying to us we must always stay on our toes, look around every corner because something is lurking there to bring us down a notch or two if we think for even one moment we are actually getting ahead of some sort of game, I don't know, I just know that it never seems to fail things can be going half way smooth and you just start to let go of that nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong and then that exact thing happens, something indeed goes wrong and you are reminded that all the love in the world you feel for something does not stop something bad from happening and that thing you loved so hard and so pure and completely is ripped from your life in a way that leaves you feeling like you are watching a movie about your life and not actually living it yourself because it seems so unreal to you. That is how I feel about my love for my animals and really all animals. I love them so much, I have for so long and so completely that when I loose one of them it leaves me feeling as if I am in a fog, how were they here and in what seems an instant gone? I have these memories of them and pictures and yet somehow it seems unreal to no longer actually have them here, to hold onto and share the realness of love with them. I recently lost my cat Jessica who was 17 years old and while 17 years is a very long time, to love it seems a blink of an eye, then my father shortly after and all during this time my nine year old Brandy was awaiting a biopsy report to determine if a lump she had on her right shoulder blade was cancer and of course hope beyond hope did not stop it from coming back yes it is cancer so you are left feeling like someone has spun you around on a merry go round and even though you want to get off you cannot. Even though you have the attitude that you will not let yourself get down and stay there, the words are so much easier said then the act itself is to do. I walk around knowing daily I am missing something, like I misplaced my cat and at any moment she will reappear and all will be well, I am a big believer that time does not and should not heal all wounds, I don't want it to get easier with out those I love and have loved for so very long, I don't want to get used to not having them in my life, no I don't want to hurt like I do either but I don't want to miss them and find it easier to live my life without them in it. Why does love indeed have to be so complicated? When the purity of it is truly so simple and should not be complicated at all. To love and be loved in return is the most beautiful part of life we can ever truly be given and yet somehow whether life or by us it can be just as painful as it is rewarding. Not a day goes by I don't miss any of my family that I have lost or the many animals that have been a blessing in my life, I remember them all like it was yesterday and yet my heart aches because they are no longer here to be the recipient of the love I have and still hold for them in my heart and soul. I struggle to believe there is more to this world and yet somehow I do believe there has to be more, maybe as a comfort to myself I am not sure but I know one thing is for certain, if there is more to this world and all of the craziness that goes with it, then I am only saying goodbye to my beloved animals temporarily as nothing gives me more hope than that one day my love for them and theirs for me will be relived and never again will we have to worry about it ever coming to another end. So for now yes love hurts and the love I have for those still a part of my life gives me the strength to hang on until the day comes I am reunited with all those I have lost and at last we are all together again, I hang on to the thought all those I have loved and lost whether furry or not are waiting for me somewhere peaceful with a candle burning brightly so that no matter how dark this world is for now, I will never loose my way when its time to find them.
February 26, 2014