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Louisiana lawmakers may officially be exiting your bedrooms

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The penis you may or may not be holding in your hand is not totally yours. It's a joint venture, an organ co-owned by you and the Louisiana government, at least according to an unenforceable statue still residing on the state's law books.

Back in 2003, the United States Supreme Court ruled in favor of your penis, granting it and you the right to "unnaturally" copulate with whomever you see fit, be it man or woman, Jew or gentile, provided that the copulating doesn't happen in a public place.

That was eleven years ago, and by now one would've expected our state legislators to abide by the Supreme Court's interpretation of the constitution and remove the outdated portion of the sodomy statute (La. R.S. 14:89) from its books. That never happened. So today, it's still technically illegal and technically legal to do certain things with your penis, like insert it into an anus or mouth. Surprisingly, this sexual uncertainty hasn't caused Conservatives to fear a rise in erectile disfunctions across the state.

What the uncertainty has caused, though, is a an under-cover plot by the East Baton Rouge Sheriff's Office to catch homosexuals with their pants down, literally.

Supposedly, the Sheriff's Office had been receiving complaints about some unnatural copulating occurring in one of its parks. Simply patrolling the area and arresting the offenders on sight apparently wasn't good enough, so deputies decided to solicit them instead. Potential offenders were promised a night of drinks and fun and then lured back to a nearby apartment where they were arrested before any drinking or fun took place.

After these arrests (it totaled about a dozen), the East Baton Rouge's District Attorney's Office notified the Sheriff's Office that these cases couldn't be prosecuted, simply because the Supreme Court's ruling no longer made it illegal for two men to have sex in an apartment. That embarrassment happened three years ago, and yet, the law is still on the books.

The Louisiana Family Forum, a renowned uptight, homophobic, Conservative, Christian group is behind the delay. Gene Mills, president of the Forum, has said Louisiana's law should remain because it hasn't been tested in court, or because one day the Supreme Court might change its mind. Given his reputation and previous stances, that's one of his nicer ways of saying that God doesn't like gays or that the government should regulate the consensual sex lives of its citizens.
Legislators, over the years, have either felt the same way or have been too scared of Mills to cross him.

But for this upcoming legislative session, Rep. Patricia Smith has filed a bill (HB 12) that would officially keep big government and the Louisiana Family Forum out of your bedrooms. The bill would finally make anal and oral sex legal in Louisiana, provided the acts aren't performed on or with an animal.

So far, some of her fellow Representatives have been apprehensive. On one hand, there's upholding the Constitution. On the other, there's upholding their opposition to gay rights. It's a Conservative conundrum, one that neither Mills nor Rep. Smith will let them weasel their way out of. We'll see which way they sway come the Spring session.

Until then, heterosexuals, as well as homosexuals, should copulate as naturally and "unnaturally" as they see fit. After all, the Supreme Court has your back, even while your state legislators take their time trying to figure their positions out.

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