Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2001 NFL Draft (pt.2)

 12:09pm: In his last draft for the San Francisco 49ers, general manager Bill Walsh decides to make an impact by engineering a trade. The Niners will eventually acquire the rights to the Seahawks' first pick, a sixth round pick from Oakland, four picks from Green Bay, a third round pick from New Orleans, David Wells (pending a physical), two future draft picks of the WNBA's Seattle Storm, the rights to the CBA, Goldberg, and the Beatles music catalog. ESPN's Chris Berman offers to marry Walsh.

12:46pm: As the Carolina Panthers prepare to make their selection, a graphic comes up on the screen indicating the Panthers haven't taken an offensive player in the first round since 1997, when they drafted future felon Rae Carruth. All fifty of ESPN's analysts momentarily freeze like frightened deer for fear of mentioning Carruth's name. After a few seconds of silence, an ESPN on-screen graphic indicates this is the first time since 1972 that neither Joe Theismann nor Mel Kiper, Draft Expert have been speaking at any given point in time.

12:53pm: The St. Louis Rams draft, using the pick they obtained from the Kansas City Chiefs for quarterback Trent Green. The Rams also own the Chiefs' second-round pick, which they obtained in exchange for coach Dick Vermeil. On a roll, St. Louis calls to offer Vermeil a 1987 Dodge Van for his third-round pick.

2:45pm: The Philadelphia Eagles receive a trade offer for the 25th pick. Eagles coach Andy Reid informs Flyers GM Bobby Clark that the Eagles have no interest in Eric Lindros.

2:55pm: Miami, who hasn't drafted an offensive player in the first round since 1998, continues the tradition by selecting cornerback Jamar Fletcher. Meanwhile, XFL running back John Avery continues washing his 1999 Ford Bronco, drying it with a Dolphins t-shirt.

3:32pm: The first round ends, as it takes the NFL over four hours to make one round's worth of decisions for which they have had three months to prepare. This explains why the NFL hasn't been able to decide on a realignment plan since 1970.

4:35pm: In their War Room, the Dallas Cowboys decide to trade down in the second round. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones then approves a deal to move down again. However, he vetoes a move to trade out of the draft completely and go home to watch game six between the Stars and Oilers.

5:15pm: Six hours into the draft, Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil shows up for work.

5:19pm: After giving up a league-worst 29.4 points per game last year, St. Louis uses its first five picks, including three first rounders, to rebuild. The Rams are now more defensive than Vince McMahon talking to Bob Costas on stage at a PTA meeting.

7:00pm: The "Million-Dollar Game" begins, as the XFL's first season draws to a close. Thirty-one general managers hope the players they drafted over the past eight hours don't show up in next year's game.