Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 1999 NFL Draft (pt.2)

For part one of the 1999 NFL Draft Day timeline, click here. 

 

12:20pm: With Marshall Faulk as their new running back, coach Dick Vermeil feels comfortable enough with his backfield to select wide receiver Torry Holt of North Carolina State. This is called foreshadowing, as Marshall Faulk announces later this day that he won't play for the Rams without a new contract.

12:24pm: Mel Kiper, draft expert, slugs an intern who refuses to refer to him as "Mel Kiper, draft expert."

12:30pm: Washington, who traded their own pick to Minnesota and traded the draft pick they received from Carolina to New Orleans, takes Chicago's pick in exchange for the former pick of New Orleans to move back up one spot below their original pick. ESPN draft gurus all agree this is a bold move, although none of them can remember why.

12:45pm: Arizona uses the draft pick they received from San Diego that allowed the Chargers to get Ryan Leaf last year. The Cardinals take big play receiver David Boston out of Ohio State. The Cardinals try to call the Chargers war room to offer them thanks, but get no answer since San Diego won't be drafting for 52 more picks. However, Chargers management's first big decision of the day is coming up, and after much consideration, they elect to go with Chinese food.

1:30pm: In spite of having the best record in the NFL last year, the Minnesota Vikings are able to select the player they had top-rated in this year's draft, QB Daunte Culpepper of Central Florida. Everyone begins to hate Minnesota.

1:40pm: On ESPN's draft coverage, Chris Berman mentions the retirement of Wayne Gretzky, and Mel Kiper, draft expert, refers to him as a "prospect with good vision, lots of upside, but too small to contribute immediately." When he suggests Gretzky may go as a late round pick to New England, Berman has to slap him.

1:45pm: Chicago, who traded down to get New Orleans' pick from Washington, is awoken from a brief nap to select Cade McNown of UCLA, thus ending the biggest run on quarterbacks ever. Five signal-callers have gone in the first twelve picks, making this possibly the best QB draft ever, or at least since 1983. Owners beam with pride, hoping they just hit the lottery and didn't draft 1999's version of Tony Eason.

2:33pm: The Oakland Raiders, who appear to be drafting with the aid of darts, select offensive lineman Matt Stinchcomb of Georgia. Mel Kiper, draft expert, begins a scathing indictment of the Raiders that only culminates when Chris Berman has him sedated.

2:35pm: Helpful Eagles fans actually stop yelling "Eagles suck," and switch to "Giants suck" after New York selects offensive lineman Luke Petitgout of Notre Dame.

2:45pm: The Dallas Cowboys trade up two places to grab defensive lineman Ebenezer Ekuban of North Carolina, for no apparent reason other than his name is "Ebenezer."

3:15pm: The first round winds up with Denver's pick of Tennessee linebacker Al Wilson. Analysts start talking about the second and subsequent rounds as being important in terms of potential. Sports fans start talking to their families again.

Sunday morning, 2:30am: The first sighting of a drunken New Orleans reveler passed out unconscious in a Ricky Williams Saints jersey was reported. Remember where you were when it happened, kids.

More Draft Day mayhem:
2008 NFL Draft (Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco) timeline, click here. 
2007 NFL Draft (Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson) timeline, click here. 
2006 NFL Draft (Vince Young, Reggie Bush) timeline, click here.  
2005 NFL Draft (Alex Smith, Pacman Jones) timeline, click here.  
2004 NFL Draft (Eli Manning, Larry Fitzgerald) timeline, click here.  
2003 NFL Draft (Carson Palmer, Charles Rogers) timeline, click here.  
2002 NFL Draft (David Carr, Joey Harrington) timeline, click here.
2001 NFL Draft (Michael Vick, LT, Philip Rivers) timeline, click here.  
2000 NFL Draft (Courtney Brown, Sebastian Janikowski) timeline, click here.