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Living With Cancer XXIV

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It was Tuesday morning and I was to bury my Mother this day. My dog had run off yesterday and I was heart broken. I had a dream the night before where I thought my Mom had said Puppy was with her and that I shouldn't worry. I woke up feeling very alone since Puppy used to sleep with me or my Mother.

I got ready since I had to be at my Grandmother's for breakfast at 7am. I was on the interstate and had just fired up one of the biggest joints I could. I put on some Pink Floyd for the ride south. When I got to Grandma's everyone was commenting on the pot smell and I said I had cologne in the car and that they could all mind their business. Well I might have said something worse but let's keep it clean. Breakfast was good and my cousin had gotten into the car with me. He wanted to get stoned and I told him not until after Mass.

We arrived at St. Lawrence and I became numb. I had been at this school for 8 years and it seemed all the kids were at the windows to look. Some might have remembered me but it was just weird seeing all those faces. I remember seeing old teachers and nuns. I wanted to just go hide somewhere. I was a nervous wreck and I wanted to go to the car and light some more up. I had a lot of pot handy for that day. I walked behind my Mom's casket and I remember seeing the church packed. I had done some funerals when I was an alter boy but this was nuts. I didn't think Mother knew this many people. The whole time during the Mass I didn't let go of my Aunt's hand. People would come by during communion and say hello and I was gone. I remember faces but I was not physically in church. I had left the building. I couldn't believe my Mom was dead. I couldn't believe that in that casket was her body. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out.

As we filed behind her casket going out people would lean over to touch me but I don't remember what they said. I wasn't stoned. I was numb. I drove to the cemetery and listened to the words the priest said but I couldn't take it any longer I had to let her spirit go. So I walked over to the Statue of Christ and from the deepest part of my body I let out a blood curdling scream. I had always heard that when a Viking Warrior Chief would die his men would yell to the Gods to capture his soul. I wanted God to capture my Mother's. People ran over to find me on the ground crying like a baby. I told them to get the fuck away and leave me alone. I beat up the Earth beneath me. I was mad, hurt, and angry, I wanted God to stand in front of me so I could beat the shit out of him. I wanted to kill. After what seemed like an eternity I got up and walked to the car. My Father's family wanted me to go eat with them and I did. Afterwords I would go to my Grandma's and eat with them. Finally I went home alone.

There was no one at the house. My father had gone up to his girlfriend's. My dog was no where to be found and I was alone. I smoked a joint and walked around the house and noticed just how empty it was. I cranked up some music and sat there and felt more alone than I have ever been in my life. My world as a child was over and I had no idea how to be an adult. I was scared shitless. Life at that moment was meaningless for me.

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