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Living in the house of cards

Whip this card out for all the advantages and privileges of whiteness
Whip this card out for all the advantages and privileges of whiteness
Steven Hoffman

Unlike the HBO remake of the BBC mini-series Americans are living the drama in their everyday lives. For those that haven’t watched House of Cards it centers on a Democrat in Washington and how things really get accomplished. Just like sausage making it is not a pretty sight even if the results are to your liking. In real life the house of cards is just as ugly, prejudicial, and elitist in its use and application.

The cards we are discussing emanate from Washington but not used exclusively in the town that taxes built. These cards we are forced to honor are called the race card, the illegal immigrant card, celebrity card, gay card, culture card, and even the politician card. Despite demographic numbers you might notice each and every one is issued to an approved minority. Just like credit cards it pays to discover how useful they can be.

Sometimes the card use is relatively benign. Things like getting VIP treatment, cutting in line or just forcing others to take notice. This use is usually preceded by the tag line “do you know who I am” followed by a pretentious swipe of celebrity status across some poor serfs face. The politician card can be used in this manor to place your electorate in their rightful place. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else there is the celebrity/politician card.

The gay card can be used to increase your credit on your celebrity card. Swiping your card is referred to as coming out of the closet and adds no hassle miles to your career. Just see Rosie O’Doughnut, Sandra Bernheart, or Ellen Degeneres. But be forewarned unauthorized use of this card can cause severe penalties. (Pat Sajak)

Other times the card can be used to evade laws your minority group feels are unjust. Laws like the $5,000 dollar fine and year in jail for illegal entry into the country. Laws like the California 30 day impound of a vehicle being driven by an unlicensed, uninsured driver. Or just conventions of showing identification for public benefits, public schooling, or even IRS unearned income credits. You don’t even have to present the card; just say “no habla ingles”. That one swipe at American jurisprudence removes fines, jail time and in California a guarantee to return you vehicle within 24 hours. (Special order 7) The culture card can be used in a similar fashion to avoid domestic abuse charges, religious intolerance or just to force your views on others. The illegal/culture card it’s everywhere you want to be including places you weren’t invited to.

The granddaddy of all cards is the race card. This card is old enough to have been issued during emancipation as a choice instead of 40 acres and a mule. This card is usually used for credit after indictment but before conviction to proclaim not innocence but malicious prosecution. This card is so well used we see examples every day. Don’t like Obama policies you are racist, think the Attorney general should go to prison you are racist, perhaps Charlie Rangle should pay taxes like everyone else why that’s racist. So remember if you can’t win an argument with facts then just use your race card and don’t leave home without it.

We are informed these extra rights are warranted as a result of slavery, discrimination and something called “white privilege”. This belief is held dear by our wise Latina in the Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayer. Who in her own words believes she attended schools she was not qualified for and proves her point of incompetence by claiming discrimination can only be cured by more discrimination. (Schuette decision)

In order to level the playing field of American life maybe a card is needed to prove this white privilege. Since all the other cards are issued by exclusive clubs consisting of only minority members the Society of Caucasian American Men or SCAM could verify whiteness and issue cards similar to the one above. Note none of the cards contain pictures since that would be a micro-aggressive form of racism. This card could be used to cash in on the advantages of white privilege the minorities have assigned to Caucasians. (or crackers, white breads, honkeys) This card would be used when caught in the commission of a “white Collar crime”, listing EBT card holders as dependants on taxes or when caught in the act of singing rap songs containing words verboten to the rest of America. (Hoe, nig*er, nig*er-rich, welfare queen) Like the Monopoly “get out of Jail” it would close the card gap that exists in America’s house of cards.

Americans all over the fruited plains no longer would need to ask what can government do for them but ask what’s in your wallet?