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Like Christmas for alcoholics

See? SEE?! Even the freaking Koreans do it up right!
See? SEE?! Even the freaking Koreans do it up right!

Hey, everyone! Let's head on down to Durty Nelly's and...

Oh. Wait.

Well, we can always saunter on over to Murphy's Ale House for...

Oh. Wait.

Why does Chattanooga hate the Irish? They're so darn cute with their accents and red hair and cirrhosis. Seems no one wants to drink Irish on any day but St. Patrick's Day (hereafter referred to as StPD as a precaution against carpal tunnel). These must be the same people who only go to church on Easter; yet somehow those places stay open.

Come on, people. Have you looked around for StPD events? Yes, it's on a Wednesday this year, and that sucks, wah wah WAH. Still. There's no excuse for the dearth of opportunities to stereotype the Irish as drunken brawlers who make rude comments to pretty ladies. It's our culture to rape other cultures. If we stand by and do nothing, what are we leaving for future generations? THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Here is a rundown in no particular order of everything that could be dug up. Sorry it's so short, but really...isn't that your fault?

The Fox and Hound (2040 Hamilton Place Blvd, Ste 150), despite all of the lurid adverts sporting strippers in green bowler hats, will not be doing anything for St. Patricks Day. Okay, that’s not strictly true. They’ll be hosting "Keg and Eggs", opening at 8am to serve a $2.99 breakfast. The first 20 people to enter will eat free, so, gosh, let’s all rush in on a Wednesday morning to get the good seats for (possibly) free eggs and beer. Presumably for hardcore alcoholics only, it would have carried a lot more weight if served the next morning to people on their way home from the real party. (423) 490-1200.

Hair of the Dog Pub (334 Market Street ) is having their 5th Annual St Patrick's Day party. It’s less a “party” and more “being open”, a fact betrayed by their assertion that it’s “going on all day”. They’ll be playing up Irish menu items, the most appealing of which seems to be Guinness chocolate cupcakes with Bailey's caramel icing (not that that really goes with beer, but who’s gonna argue). If you buy a novelty T-shirt for around $15, the Dog’ll throw in a pub glass free if that counts for anything. And of course they’ll be running drink specials. But the tyranny of the English over the Irish continues – in their words, “no whining about us not having green beer.” (423) 265-4615.

The Palms (6925 Shallowford Rd.) will provide Preston Parris for your perusal. His breathy indie pop is permeated with provoking pieces praising the pulchritude of his pithy perceptions. Purple pickles.

The Blue Water Grille (224 Broad St.) will be the home of “St Patrick’s Day ‘Lucky’ Go Red for Women Event”. It’s a fundraiser for the American Heart Association that somehow missed getting organized before Valentine’s Day. The tenuous connection to StPD is that they’ll be having raffles for door prizes – luck being supposedly the exclusive domain of the Irish. So if you have chlorophiobia (fear of the color green) or gingerphobia (fear of redheads), you could do worse than to hide out for the holiday while contributing to a good cause. (423)266-4200

At J.J.'s Bohemia (231 E Martin Luther King Blvd), it's a decidedly non-Irish palette featuring Daikaju, the Japanese KISS of surf music (frealz), and the grinding prog-punk sound of touring partner Ampline. Southern-sounding jam band One Shoe Untied may make an appearance. Or not. They're laid back like that. Show starts at 10pm. (423) 266-1400.

It may anger Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit to think that they're basically the Drive-By Truckers when you can't have the Drive-By Truckers. Well, technically, you're getting one. But that's plenty. It's sort of like Drive-By Anglicans. (Get it? 'Cause Henry know...never mind.) Bluesy bravuras The Cadillac Saints reprise their popular opening role for the show at Rhythm & Brews (221 Market St.), 9:30 p.m. $12.

Taco Mac (423 Market Street) will continue to exist. It’s mentioned here only because it’s always crowded on StPD due to having the best beer selection in town on the holiest of drinking holidays. Sadly, this year the Bagpipe Playing Dudes that played out front of Taco Mac in previous years are off at competition and will not be around. (423) 267-8226.

The Molly Maguires play the North Shore Grill (16 Frazier Ave.) at 8:00 p.m. Parish folk from the venerated “Molly church” of old may bridle at the slick environs when compared to the old Local. But look on the sunny side, friends – The North Shore Grill is one of the few venues in Chattanooga left that’s big enough to accommodate the Maguires’ massive fanbase. Plus you can hear it on the street for free.

RAW (409 Market St.) is ostensibly a sushi bar, but it’s a lot more bar than sushi. And at this (sushi) bar, local rock folks Eris are playing an StPD show starting at 10:00 p.m. It’s really more an StPD show in terms of the date than the music – but no experienced showgoer would rule out crowd-pleasing Irish rock covers. Eris cleaned up in 2009 with Times Free Press FYI magazine awards for…well, everything. These up-and-comers have been up and coming for a while now; thus they have the seasoned stage presence and local following to go with their teen-emo-boy good looks. So, while thematic festivity may be relative, it’s bound to be a decent show. (423) 756-1919.

The Tennessee Bouldering Authority (3804 St. Elmo Ave.) offers an all-day $7 pass if you wear green. Why you'd be drinking on a climbing wall is beyond the scope of this column.

These are tough times for Eirephiles in Chattanooga. But keeping hope alive in the breast for a rich tableau of future StPD shenanigans is the responsibility of every right-thinking and right-drinking man woman and child (okay, not child) in our fair burgh. For St. Patrick’s Day is wherever you are. It’s not about what’s on stage – it’s in our hearts, and destroying our livers.

Erin go BLEEARRGHHHhhhh...sorry about the shoes.



  • JimmyHoffa 5 years ago

    Not only can we not keep Durty Nelly's open, but The Boiled Frog, almost all the Central Pukes, the Krystal on Dayton Blvd., everything on Lee Hwy...2012 man!

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