At a meeting last night, the topic from a meditation book was "control". This aspect of my recovery is something I have to work on every day. Sometimes it is peacefully not an issue and other times, it is a painful struggle.
Lately, me wanting to control my son has become a painful issue for me. I see the pain in his life from the progressive nature of his disease. He is an active addict who will eventually die from this if he does not surrender. I have tried intervention, encouragement, bargaining, yelling, crying, ultimatums. These are all forms of control and a reflection that something is wrong inside me.
When I pray and meditate and stay honest with myself, I discover that what is wrong is that I am filled with fear. I lived in a state of constant fear the entire 20 years that I was an active addict. Since living a life of recovery for the past 4+ years, I have learned to let go of fears. The problem is that my addict brain will sometimes take some fears back. And what am I fearing? I fear that he will die soon without ever having known the joy of recovery.
When I am trying to control him, I put myself back into a place of mental, emotional and spiritual misery. I don't need that. I truly value my serenity. So, recovery has taught me to let go. How do I let go? I pray. And pray. I have learned that fear is a lack of faith and fear cannot exist when my faith is strong. So I pray and meditate some more. I also go to lots of meetings, talk to fellow recovering people and do service work. These activties strengthen my faith and take away my fears. When my faith is strong, I can let go of the fears and stop trying to control my son. I have been guided to remember that no one could love or force me to recovery and that is the same for all other addicts.
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