Dear Ric:
Well, it looks like I am down for count. I am doing appeal, but don’t think it will change anything, smells like money grab. I can’t tell lawyer from agent anymore, and doubt them all.
Some peoples tell me I go to jail? In Russia is bad thing, and I hear is same here, maybe worst.
I am afraid, I have never been in big house. Who should I be hanging with, what music to be bringing, what wearing. Can you help?
Sweating in Phoenix
Your goalie
P.S. You spell your name funny, please should stop doing that.
Dear goalie:
It must be hard for you. The uncertainty. The fear. The trepidation and apprehension. The chance to meet the right guy. All, I know, weight heavily on you mind.
The palatable anxiety in your note reminds me of the times, as a child, my uncle would take me out to the shed behind our trailer. I have been there, my friend; I understand. So don’t worry, you came to the right place.
A couple of guidelines should help you through:
Remember, you are white, very white. Siberian white. So hanging with the blacks or hispanics is out, as are, unless you are willing to change the hairstyle and do some really weird rituals with a fork, the “white makes right” bunch.
Five hole means something different in the pen. Challenging other inmates to “beat you in the five hole” will result in unexpected activities.
Somebody’s bitch is not their complaint. Consequently, beware of “bitch sessions”.
You may believe, on a visceral level, that solitary will shelter you, but you would be mistaken. Once the walls start closing in, your shootout spine will be shot. Instead, search out the white collar criminals.
Don’t play cards, stick to chess, you guys are good at that and it might help you meet some of the white collars.
“D cups” is more than a bra size, it also stands for dual cups. Bring two and put the second one on backwards. Even in the shower. Think chastity belt.
But let us put such thoughts behind us.
Stay focused; play each game as if it was your last. Follow through on the expectations inherent in a new contract while ensuring that this DUI does not become a pattern of behavior, and our cries of support and encouragement will be yours.
You are a ring carrying veteran, a proven talent. We need your skills and leadership, especially Dubnyk, you know how he looks up to you.
Who knows, with the right money in the right pocket, if you know what I mean, the appeal will not be heard until after the season.
Let us hope for the best, expect the worst, and play until the horn sounds.
Cross the forty-ninth, goalie.
Join us and be welcomed.
Our destiny, together, awaits.
Your confidant, advisor and friend
Ric
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