We’ve probably never met, our lives separated by time and distance, but now for the first time, I am aware of you through the acts of your children. The news says 10, maybe 20, of your sons lured a young girl to a back alley, got her drunk, and then raped her for hours. Those of your kids who didn’t actually participate in this heinous act nevertheless watched her struggle and suffer, and then slowly lose consciousness under the weight of her attackers. They say her wounds aren’t life threatening, but I’m guessing her soul is deadened. Her light dimmed, and there is no way I can put it but to ask: where were you?
Where were you when your sons discovered sex? Were you there to teach them the joys of intimacy, to share with them the sacred pleasures of making love? Were you there to explain to them that they must never force themselves on another, but only give themselves in tender joy? Did you explain to them that their hormones may rage, but they must never? Did you ask them to share with you their secret crushes, and tell them that it is okay to love? Or did you just assume they’d learn about f*cking on the streets?
I know Richmond is a tough place. I grew up in scary neighborhoods myself. A welfare kid who moved around a lot, I know what it means to count pennies from underneath the couch – the one your mom sleeps on because she doesn’t have a bed – in order to buy milk for the week. I’m not some lilly-white girl from the suburbs who doesn’t know pain and suffering. I’m a woman who grew up poor and sometimes hungry and often scared, and I decided a different path for my future and that of my children.
Where were you when your sons discovered violence? Was it on the streets, drive by shootings like the ones I used to hear in my neighborhood? Or did you cave in to their demands for video games, the ones with shooting and guns and girls with obnoxious figures? Were you watching over their shoulders, making sure they knew the difference between play fighting, and did you step in to say, ‘enough’? Maybe you were too tired to turn off the TV when another violent show was on? Maybe you didn’t get the memo that violence harms children? Maybe you were too busy beating someone else up, like your children? Were you there to teach them to say I’m sorry when they scraped their knees? Or did you just figure they’d learn how to fight for themselves on the streets?
Do I sound angry and judgmental? I’m sorry for pissing anyone off with my words, except I really think this needs to be said. You see, I’m a mother and I know how hard it is to parent. And you, my unknown neighbors, just made it a little harder for the rest of us who still give a damn, not just for the future of our kids, but for the future of yours. In a world where violence and sex have become tragically blurred, and people are afraid to point out the obvious, we all lose. Maybe we can say that one of the perpetrators has some unfixable flaw – anti-social personality disorder – or something like that. But 20 involved in raping and egging the rapists on?
That isn’t just bad luck. That’s bad parenting. That’s bad supervision. That’s bad behavior. And that means something is bad at the core.
Which leads me to the most difficult question of all: if someone isn't fit to parent, do they even deserve the job at all?
Related articles:
Can a man be raped by a woman? Eric's story
H.S. girl gang-raped while crowd of peers watch
Jaycee's captors plead not guilty: the audacity of evil
Marriott blames woman for rape: denies negligence
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All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
I agree 100% that it's bad parenting. How many of those parents were unwed teens I wonder?
I have a sixteen year old daughter and there is no excuse. They need God the parents and the children. Children raising animals!
Thanks for linking to my article. Your letter asks tough questions, but they're questions that need to be asked. Parenting is the most important job in the world, and too many parents are neglecting their job responsibilities.
As this story comes out, we might find that things aren't always as they first appear. Were those watching appalled, disgusted, and thinking others were twittering or texting or calling the police?
Strong words for a very upsetting story. I like your gumption and guts on the issue.
Maria "As this story comes out, we might find that things aren't always as they first appear. Were those watching appalled, disgusted, and thinking others were twittering or texting or calling the police?"
Doesn't matter! Bottom line is that they watched and did nothing to help this poor girl. A person can not assume another is taking steps and relieve themselves of responsibility based on that assumption. They watched, God-forbid they texted or twittered, and no one called the police! Makes me sick thinking of it.
yep, bad parenting. really bad parenting. but some of the attackers were over 18. as a society, we need to take responsibility for ourselves. it is the fault of the individuals who did this, not their parents. a lot of wonderful people had lousy parents and a lot of bad people had great parents. while I don't believe in legislating morality, the fact that the onlookers won't be prosecuted because the child was over 13 is ridiculous. this is a societal systemic issue that needs to be addressed as well. it should be a crime to witness one, especially a violent crime against a minor, and not call the police. many issues here, including teaching your 15 year old not to drink. definitely not the victims fault, but if she hadn't been drinking, she would have been able to run or fight them off, or at least call out for help and let's be honest, if she had been sober, the attack probably would have not occurred or been thwarted. harsh words from me, but honest and realistic.
Excellent. As always. You're a star! We're better for basking in your glow.
Dear HC,
Yes, I agree. Some of the attackers are over 18, and responsible for their actions, 100%. I suspect, as do many readers perhaps, that they many not have been given the best guidance during their formative years. Behavior like this just doesn't come out of the blue, as far as I understand.
Also, it is my opinion that regardless of the victims mental state - drunk or not - there is no justification for this heinous act. I don't think you are suggesting that, and that is why I'm pointing this out. I'm sure we'd agree that if someone leaves their front door open, and a thief robs, it is the thief's fault. Getting a girl drunk, then raping her, is doubly sickening, and makes me wonder if this was more than a crime of opportunity. It is sad, and I wish the young girl a speedy physical and emotional recovery. And I also thank readers like you for sharing your voice in a respectful manner in this forum. Tinamarie
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