When I did my first try at The Sevenfold Journey I really believed the 2nd chakra would be centered on the sexual aspect of it. I have some fairly deep trauma that was planted in my sexuality when I was about 5. I’m also Scorpio, which if you know your signs at even a basic level, well…nuff said.
I was surprised to find when I began the work with the second chakra not the sexual aspect of myself at all, but the emotions. Our second chakra is related to our Right to Feel (also connected to our right to Pleasure, sexual among others). I had assumed emotions would be raw and I was not wrong, I just had not expected them to revolve so much around Rage.
I’ve always been aware that I am not a pleasant person to be around when I’m angry. I would guess the same is true of most people, so no big surprise there. Somehow when I opened myself up, consciously exploring aspects of my second chakra and the trauma’s it has experienced in my development, Rage stepped up to the plate. Connection to my true emotions turned out to be not so pleasant at all.
I suppose we all have reasons we could wallow in anger and resentment towards any number of people: parents, teachers, and bullies, those who broke our hearts or our trust. For any number of reasons: pushing too hard, neglecting to encourage, being controlling, not caring enough, etc. From my first memories I have been different, I have been singled out and made fun of, and at all stages I have always decided I don’t care what others think because I’ve always known what makes ME happy.
I have had few friends compared to others I know, but the friends I’ve had meant a lot to me. Of course, when I asked the Universe to send me family: sisters and brothers on a similar journey…the Universe responded. I have been blessed with two amazing women in my life who inspire me and who are wonderful mirrors for my soul to see itself reflected within. They also understand anger and rage, it felt wonderful to admit the stupid things I’ve done out of blind rage; the stories where we end up bruising ourselves and know we have no right to get angry about THAT because it is our own doing!
Recently the saying about spiritual journeys being like onions came up: layers upon layers. Almost two years later I wish that I could say I’ve had a big breakthrough and have tamed the angry beast that is “Michelle Who Doesn’t Get HER WAY”. But, uhm…nope. I can’t think of a better name for Her, because in those moments, it definitely feels as though someone else is behind the wheel!
I’m only hoping I can get that breakthrough moment before Doug leaves me!
I hope down the line I can look at this brief moment in this lifetime as a turn-around point. A place where I realize I do have tools to start doing things differently. That’s why it is said that a spiritual path is not an easy one, because there has to be an aspect of going deep into your true self, sorting through old ways of thinking, doing, being; discovering hidden gifts and talents that are your birthright along the way of healing yourself whole. Which is why I always think “It may be simple, but it is not easy!” when it comes to spirituality.
The idea of simply NOT letting something bother you sounds easy enough, until you are in full motion resentment. It takes practice and conscious effort to break the habits of our thinking, especially ones that are emotionally charged and automatic. Mindfulness sounds like a beautifully simple idea: be mindful of every action you do, every thought you have, and guide both with compassion and love.
Looking back, I can see small epiphany moments, little jewels of self-discovery and I can also say that my biggest challenge is learning to accept when things aren’t what I want them to be. Not just accept, but to look for and learn to find the blessing disguised within those moments. Of course, that is so easy to say and believe in moments of calm. I’ve spent the past couple of days nursing an angry back, the herniated L5 that every now and then picks up some pom-poms and does a little cheer for pain. Yesterday Doug came home to the Beast in full control mode.
I’d like to be able to say that was the last day Doug came home to something in pieces, asking “What did it do to YOU?” I would like to say it was the last time Doug had to witness his wife in major breakdown mode, questioning her existence and worth. While it may not be THE very last time, I do feel a change taking place as I open up my heart/soul/home to more people who I can be my honest, true self with. Ever since I began my conscious journey of my chakras, Family has continued to crop up in new and exciting ways!
The first time I camped, back in May at Beltania, Doug held me as I cried and admitted how much I missed having brothers to camp with; to experience LIFE with. The last time we camped, I was surrounded with Spirit Family: sisters, brothers, nieces and a nephew. It is a little thing, but the kind of thing that heals a heart, mends a soul back to wholeness. Yes, my journey is yet one more testament to the fact that spiritual journeys are not for the meek!