Recent studies, conducted within a single family residence in Kansas City, indicate that in humans the male of the species is genetically predisposed to lecturing behaviors--whether or not a positive effect is achieved. However, further studies suggest that parental lectures can have a positive effect on children when proper timing and technique are applied. See attached documentation.
While the events depicted are factual, names have been changed to protect the subjects' privacy.
TEST 02102012A
Child A (referred to henceforth as “Dennis”, age 4) and Child B (“Tim?”, age 2) were witnessed acquiring cookies for themselves at a time other than the designated snack period, their otherwise covert operation betrayed by the sound of shattering glass as the lid portion of the cookie containment system was jettisoned. Their male stay-at-home parent (henceforth referred to as “Arthur”) administered the following lecture.
ARTHUR: “Boys, we have a few problems here. The cookies are the least of it. My main concern, of course, is the broken glass, which I don't think you guys really thought through, and I understand that you're only four and two years old respectively, but that's beside the point, you need to be thinking about your safety and broken glass just isn't safe, I mean look at this, shards everywhere, we're not going to be able to find them all, we're looking at glass slivers for the rest of our lives, and let's not forget about the cookies, because, seriously, it's not even snack time, what were you thinking, we have a system and we're sticking to it, for your own good--”
DENNIS: “Dad?”
TIM?: “Can we just go to time-out?”
ARTHUR: “Sure, in a minute, but first I want you boys to get a few things straight. Wait. What's Tim? doing. Is he sleeping?”
DENNIS: “He's being dead. Like with bears.”
ARTHUR: “Uh--?”
DENNIS: “You know. So they'll go away.”
TEST 02102012B
Test family unit consisting of “Dennis”, “Tim?”, “Arthur”, and female parent (“The Mighty Oprah”) were fed and watered and assembled for a collective viewing of the television program American Idol, when Randy Jackson made comments which “Arthur” thought unbecoming of a contest judge. “Arthur” expressed this thought using uncharacteristic bad language in front of his small children, which called for an immediate and decisive correction.
While the event depicted is factual, the bad language in question has been replaced with a kinder, gentler cousin.
ARTHUR: “Wow, Randy, what a ruche.”
DENNIS: “Yeah, what a really really ruche.”
THE MIGHTY OPRAH: <applies palm to face>
TIM?: “Ruche ruche ruche!”
DENNIS: “Dad, what's a ruche?”
THE MIGHTY OPRAH: <levels a steely but otherwise expressionless gaze at “Arthur”>
ARTHUR: “Well, son... I'm glad you asked. I was referring to a commonly misheard lyric in the song Blinded by the Light, originally written and recorded by Bruce Springsteen in 1973, although better known by Manfred Mann's version recorded in 1976, which also gave the Boss--Bruce Springsteen is sometimes called 'the Boss' for his early gigging habit of distributing his band's nightly pay among his band mates--his only number one single on the Hot 100 as a songwriter... wait. Why is Tim? sniffing the carpet?”
DENNIS: “He's not sniffing, he's burrowing.”
TIM?: <mutters something unintelligible>
ARTHUR: “What?”
DENNIS: “He says no more ruche. Can I go practice math?”
CONCLUSION
The quality of a child's response to a lecture ultimately depends on the quality of the parent's technique. As suggested by the above trials, the strongest applications of the full-on lecture may be in the areas of evasion, redirection, and/or sleep induction. Human parents--particularly males of the species, and especially the subset known as “stay-at-home dads”--are otherwise advised to keep their corrections brief and to the point.
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